loneliness

"How to fight loneliness, smile all the time."

(2/25) I've seemed to come back to this idea of loneliness quite a bit lately. I am lonely. This isn't a bad thing, it's completely natural, at least based upon how I believe we have been made and interact with the world around us.

Over the past few weeks I've been thinking about my life and where I am at with where I would like to go and things I would like to do. I've been fairly successful in enjoying my time over the past few months. Some days have been better than others, and I have had my share of heartache along the way, but in general life has been just that, life. I'm afraid however that a large number of individual would not be able to say the same confidently. I have met many whom live their lives as if the only thing that matters temporally is to seek happiness, even despite not knowing what truly brings happiness. But if they keep searching and filling maybe something will stick.

While I am uncertain this is the correct way to go about things, at the same time I have had to give some credit to those who are more or less seeking self medication, despite being unaware of this at points. We seem to have an innate desire to live in connection with others around us, with the world around us, and to feel we have a purpose in the midst of all of this. I was recently speaking with a friend about why there is a strong connection of individuals within the 20-30 somethings range, and while I disagreed to some extent I understand and agree with his main points that we all hang around and relate to everything because we are all in the same place of seeking purpose in the world. We have been filed out of our required schooling and now must find our place in the world in which we will hopefully spend the next 30 years or so. So a response of seeking community is completely natural.

I can't say that I am necessarily seeking my purpose in life. While I suppose some could view my life as such, I do believe that I have come to a place a bit more at peace with just being here. However loneliness is still very present.


(3/4) So now, I'm picking up where I left off over a week ago writing this. Much has happened since, everything from the night of starting writing being contacted by someone whom I have not heard from in months and our last conversation was her threatening me with a restraining order. This is another story in and of itself... But somewhere amidst all of the circumstances in my life and the community in which I am surrounded there is still a sense of loneliness. While today taht feeling may strike different than yesterday, or maybe I feel more or less hope from past moments, there is still a longing in my heart for the closeness of others. To be known. To have significance. Ironically while I sit and write this with my music on shuffle the song Everybody's Getting Down by the Incredible Moses Leroy begins to play me with the main catch stating "if everybody knows me then why am I lonely?". Funny how that happens.

(3/17) Well, I've spread this writing out too many weeks to continue on one coherent thought due to the changes in the weather, so I will leave it here. But if nothing more, if any who read this have a similar sense of loneliness in any regard, know that you are not alone. I have found one of the most comforting things in loneliness is to know that I am not the only one who is feeling this way. Even if it really doesn't change the fact that the loneliness still exists, the common bond of hearing others communicate about it is a comfort.