Tuesday, January 19, 2010
life turns
somethings are not really all that well explained. such things as to why my life has come to where it is today. i recently lost my job, which has lead me to a bit of free time. lots of sitting, listening to music, thinking, and other things which might normally come with such great amounts of time. i've spent a bit of this time with a few individuals who have reminded me of where i came from. who i was years ago. and i've missed much of that. when did i allow life to get so complicated? when did everything in the world become so uptight and disinterested in anything but their own satisfaction? when did my heart become afraid to be me? it never fully disappeared, but it's as if i went into hiding with this new discovery of the world. as though life previously wasn't good. while i've grown in my understanding of how i believe things should interact, this really shouldn't have changed the root of my hopes for life. it's time for a bit of change i suppose.
Friday, December 4, 2009
news
about ten minutes ago i dosed off while playing guitar (yes it's been a long week). i awoke to a loud thump and a "ahhhh". i go look out the back of the house thinking it might be a room mate moving in who dropped something at while trying to open the door, but nothing. so i go to the front. open the door, and see my recycling bin has arrived, but this could not have been the clatter which i heard. suddenly my focus goes straight to 3rd ave. there is a car parked between both lanes of traffic, and a man with a bicycle upside down. it all makes sense. he was hit in front of my house. i ask if he is alright, if he need any help, he says no but now his handle bars are messed up. so i twist them back into place for him, he asks me for a dollar, to which i show him all i have is a crumpled receipt. i receive a god bless, and he rides away muttering about bad drivers. exciting events at(or rather in front of) the house off third.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
alone
the days grow longer. clouds gather sometimes, and the wind blows. faces are everywhere, each one of them cares, yet none have cured the pain which eats away at our hearts. routines are all that seem to be evident. the only familiarity is the understanding that you are alone.
maybe it's depression. maybe it's only seasonal. maybe it really is life circumstances, ironic they always seem to fall one upon the other to compile this great mass which weighs heavily upon my chest.
almost once a year i feel that i experience what so many others feel throughout life. i've determined it must be one of the most common feelings amongst living beings today. this of course is the feeling of alone. separation. isolation.
this could be rational for how we live our lives. or maybe we have just become more desperate for human contact. for anyone to listen. we will almost go to near death extents just for someone to see us. to pay attention. to notice. we have so many internet tools to make this possible, take twitter for instance. i have a friend on twitter who i sometimes get tired of reading home much crap they post, as if someone really wants to know or cares about what they think all day. sure it's fun to post and tell miscellaneous people all across the world what you're doing or what you thought about such and such, but is this not just another filler to make us believe that someone somewhere cares? there are millions of examples, but yet does it really mean we are understood? and if we were truly understood, would we no longer feel alone? or would our definition and understanding of alone simply change and become more complex. constantly evolving to where no simple response can break the complexity of what it is to feel alone? because sometimes maybe it feels nice to believe that no one understands. then we might be unique, original, or important due to this lack of relation which is really nothing more than feeling alone.
alone is interesting in that no matter how much we mess everything up, no matter how great we have done, there is always a place of comfort in knowing there is no comfort. or at least we can block any such comfort. we can toss away everything we thought we wanted for whatever reason, and wander the streets alone. but still there is the pain. standing amidst so many people, none of whom really know you (or at least this is what you have convinced yourself), surrounded yet alone. feeling more alone than ever. there is such defeat yet so much comfort in feeling alone.
maybe it's depression. maybe it's only seasonal. maybe it really is life circumstances, ironic they always seem to fall one upon the other to compile this great mass which weighs heavily upon my chest.
almost once a year i feel that i experience what so many others feel throughout life. i've determined it must be one of the most common feelings amongst living beings today. this of course is the feeling of alone. separation. isolation.
this could be rational for how we live our lives. or maybe we have just become more desperate for human contact. for anyone to listen. we will almost go to near death extents just for someone to see us. to pay attention. to notice. we have so many internet tools to make this possible, take twitter for instance. i have a friend on twitter who i sometimes get tired of reading home much crap they post, as if someone really wants to know or cares about what they think all day. sure it's fun to post and tell miscellaneous people all across the world what you're doing or what you thought about such and such, but is this not just another filler to make us believe that someone somewhere cares? there are millions of examples, but yet does it really mean we are understood? and if we were truly understood, would we no longer feel alone? or would our definition and understanding of alone simply change and become more complex. constantly evolving to where no simple response can break the complexity of what it is to feel alone? because sometimes maybe it feels nice to believe that no one understands. then we might be unique, original, or important due to this lack of relation which is really nothing more than feeling alone.
alone is interesting in that no matter how much we mess everything up, no matter how great we have done, there is always a place of comfort in knowing there is no comfort. or at least we can block any such comfort. we can toss away everything we thought we wanted for whatever reason, and wander the streets alone. but still there is the pain. standing amidst so many people, none of whom really know you (or at least this is what you have convinced yourself), surrounded yet alone. feeling more alone than ever. there is such defeat yet so much comfort in feeling alone.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
another morning short
so i'm sitting here on my bed waiting to head out to work since i don't have to be in until 8 today, so lets see if i can write anything decent in ten minutes.
as many of you know, i recently purchased a house. it's a great house. however it needs a bit of work. this is what seems to happen when you purchase a hundred and twenty three year old house that's previous owners abused greatly. but i have discovered a great deal about the house, and have had a lot of questions about it's history in the mean time. who was the house built for? clearly it was for a larger family back at the turn of the century (roughly). but who were they? what did they do? and with that, what did most people do at that time here in denver? miners and railroad workers seemed to be the primary residents of the great state i call home. did the builders of my house fall into these categories? what was life like for them? what problems did they face? did they wrestle with the idea of existing in a world where they were uncertain of what they desired? or was life much simpler, and each individual was simply a piece to a puzzle? and further, do we actually fit into that same puzzle, only that we have made the puzzle much more complex in our heads due to our restlessness of of our belief in how the world operates around us?
one of these days i'll have to make it down to the library and look up the old public records and learn about these people who built my house on third and broadway. at that point i'll probably share the information so you to can have the answers to all these questions and more; since i know all of you think in the same manner i do and are just dying to know...
with that it is time to go. off to work another day.
as many of you know, i recently purchased a house. it's a great house. however it needs a bit of work. this is what seems to happen when you purchase a hundred and twenty three year old house that's previous owners abused greatly. but i have discovered a great deal about the house, and have had a lot of questions about it's history in the mean time. who was the house built for? clearly it was for a larger family back at the turn of the century (roughly). but who were they? what did they do? and with that, what did most people do at that time here in denver? miners and railroad workers seemed to be the primary residents of the great state i call home. did the builders of my house fall into these categories? what was life like for them? what problems did they face? did they wrestle with the idea of existing in a world where they were uncertain of what they desired? or was life much simpler, and each individual was simply a piece to a puzzle? and further, do we actually fit into that same puzzle, only that we have made the puzzle much more complex in our heads due to our restlessness of of our belief in how the world operates around us?
one of these days i'll have to make it down to the library and look up the old public records and learn about these people who built my house on third and broadway. at that point i'll probably share the information so you to can have the answers to all these questions and more; since i know all of you think in the same manner i do and are just dying to know...
with that it is time to go. off to work another day.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
a short thought
when did it become a problem to be a nice guy? i have come to realize this isn't really accepted well. not that i am the ultimate nice guy, because i'm not, but i have found that in various situations i need to be more aware of things. let's say there is a female involved, and i, trying to be who i am, hold a friendly conversation in which i am genuinely interested in this individuals well being and thus desire to hear their story. well, this backfires as i soon find out they were taking it as i am interested in them in a manner which i had not intended. there was nothing out of the ordinary in how i treated them, in fact i convince myself that if they saw me interacting the same way with others they would soon see that it is just the character i like to portray, a friendly caring individual.
this backfired many years ago when i decided it would be a brilliant idea to kiss all of my friends on the cheek. this did not go over so well for one girl who took it as i liked her, and upon her seeing me give another individual a kiss on the cheek she became very upset with me because in her mind i was showing interest in another. that is when i decided i had to stop the kiss on the cheek bit. it was like communism, good in theory...
on a different level, not nearly as interesting to discuss, when you interact with members of the same sex in a friendly caring manner it does not always go over very well either. i have seen it many times become a reason for questioning ones motives, as if we don't trust this person at all. or maybe they are trying to make up for something they have done and we are yet to discover, or even worse they are prepping us for what is about to come. those sneaky bastards, trying to pull the wool over our eyes... can't let that happen.
it is ridiculous. why is it so hard to believe and accept that some people really just want to be nice people. i may not have been this way years ago, but somewhere along the line i decided i like being nice; well, most of the time. at least i don't really like playing the role of the jerk, because i know what it's like to think of another as a jerk, and there isn't much nice to say other than they are jerks (i don't need anything except this ashtray, and the paddle game).
so here is to jerks. and nice people. and people who can't seem to believe there are no ulterior motives.
this backfired many years ago when i decided it would be a brilliant idea to kiss all of my friends on the cheek. this did not go over so well for one girl who took it as i liked her, and upon her seeing me give another individual a kiss on the cheek she became very upset with me because in her mind i was showing interest in another. that is when i decided i had to stop the kiss on the cheek bit. it was like communism, good in theory...
on a different level, not nearly as interesting to discuss, when you interact with members of the same sex in a friendly caring manner it does not always go over very well either. i have seen it many times become a reason for questioning ones motives, as if we don't trust this person at all. or maybe they are trying to make up for something they have done and we are yet to discover, or even worse they are prepping us for what is about to come. those sneaky bastards, trying to pull the wool over our eyes... can't let that happen.
it is ridiculous. why is it so hard to believe and accept that some people really just want to be nice people. i may not have been this way years ago, but somewhere along the line i decided i like being nice; well, most of the time. at least i don't really like playing the role of the jerk, because i know what it's like to think of another as a jerk, and there isn't much nice to say other than they are jerks (i don't need anything except this ashtray, and the paddle game).
so here is to jerks. and nice people. and people who can't seem to believe there are no ulterior motives.
Monday, November 16, 2009
monday morning
it's not that today is really anything out of the ordinary. no special occasion, nothing major on my mind. but it is the conclusion of the past week and a starting point for this new venture.
over the past week i have seen sides of many friend that have been unusual for many of their characters. i've seen grief stricken friends who do not know how to express this. i've seen frustrated individuals who are debating if they will take a step to move from where they are. i've seen the shyness of some be pushed aside in presence of opportunity. and i have seen many who have regret what they have or have not done in life. everyone is very colorful, and each situation has a different story.
recently i had an encounter with a friend who feels the need to take the world upon their shoulders and feels as though they will let others down if they are not the strong one. there have been many reasons to be overwhelmed with grief, but yet we have to hold firm because not to is a dreadful thing. especially when our whole life and world view justification seems as though it will be ruined if we do not stand firm. and sometimes really what is needed is the collapse of what we have formerly believed was so crucial, and to simply take life as what it is, a great unknown. while we are busy disillusioning ourselves with minor issues, the real problem is our fear to face the reality that we have no control over anything other than our interactions with the world (although this is even debatable).
i'm pretty sure that if everyone was simply honest and accepting of one another's burdens that just maybe we could make this world a little more manageable to live in. so maybe this monday morning we shall all start to engage with the worlds around us in a bit different of a manner. leave our perceived differences and preconceived notions somewhere else, because they have done nothing for our benefit to this point, and see what new places we may discover.
over the past week i have seen sides of many friend that have been unusual for many of their characters. i've seen grief stricken friends who do not know how to express this. i've seen frustrated individuals who are debating if they will take a step to move from where they are. i've seen the shyness of some be pushed aside in presence of opportunity. and i have seen many who have regret what they have or have not done in life. everyone is very colorful, and each situation has a different story.
recently i had an encounter with a friend who feels the need to take the world upon their shoulders and feels as though they will let others down if they are not the strong one. there have been many reasons to be overwhelmed with grief, but yet we have to hold firm because not to is a dreadful thing. especially when our whole life and world view justification seems as though it will be ruined if we do not stand firm. and sometimes really what is needed is the collapse of what we have formerly believed was so crucial, and to simply take life as what it is, a great unknown. while we are busy disillusioning ourselves with minor issues, the real problem is our fear to face the reality that we have no control over anything other than our interactions with the world (although this is even debatable).
i'm pretty sure that if everyone was simply honest and accepting of one another's burdens that just maybe we could make this world a little more manageable to live in. so maybe this monday morning we shall all start to engage with the worlds around us in a bit different of a manner. leave our perceived differences and preconceived notions somewhere else, because they have done nothing for our benefit to this point, and see what new places we may discover.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
returning to life
i've determined i'm not very consistent in some things. my life is an interesting picture, which is almost always changing, but yet very much consistent the entire time at the end of the day. if you are a reader of the words i write maybe you already know this. may it be my over confidence that this time i'll actually have the time to write something new, or in the consistence of subjects in which i am always drawn back to, and even my thought pattern and belief of how things all fit together somehow.
today i am sitting in my room in what will soon be my former home. there is 12" of snow on the ground outside. i have not done anything with my day other than put on a pair of sweat pants, t-shirt, watch the bronco's lose, and search craigslist for various items for my new house. it is in this that i have realized i am exactly where i was a year ago. i thought of this earlier this week, but it seems more evident today. the holiday season is just around the corner. the girl i was dating has broken up with me. consequentially my life plans have changed a bit. this year instead of planning on moving and buying a ring, i bought a house with my money. music has hit a slow point. but i sat down yesterday and began to write again. i have planned for my dear friend to come visit at new years. my room is still a mess. i still see the same people, who still suggest the same things to me, and who still invite me out because they care for me and my messy life. while some events are different, i am very much in the same place. and it makes me wonder if i will ever leave this place? will i ever have time to live the life i really want? am i always going to sit on this idea that i would rather play music and talk about life with people than anything else, but yet stay where i am because i have a safe place in my work (relatively) and have begun enjoying it and learning skills to help with this new project that is my house. i own a house. that is ridiculous in itself. i am only 26, and i own a bigger house than most people i know through their late 30's. not to mention it is in one of the coolest parts of denver in my opinion. (this is a great run on paragraph by the way). will this be another long winter? will i always wrestle with seasonal depression? do i need to speak up more about what i want in life? will i always be the friend with a crazy life? am i the friend with all of the relational drama? will that ever end? maybe, when i come around to dating another, she will live in the same state as i for once. will my past always resurface at what seem to be ironic points? what will become of my faith? i have a degree in which i am uncertain of where i fully stand. i know this is a product of where i am, being that i am mid 20's and searching for life and what to do with it (everything i am rambling about), but does it ever really change? or do we make a decision to change to a solid belief in something because we grow weak from the free floating uncertainty that is what life seems to be in this day in age?
i hope that someday i will have a peace about everything, and i will look back on it and write the tales of my story, as crazy as it may be. i am honored to have a life to live, and the community around me has been amazing to be a part of. i'm thankful for time to reflect, even just briefly, upon where i've been and how i am still here despite the weathering storms. i hope i will continue to stay where i am (within some reason) and that i will once again find excitement about today and tomorrow.
today i am sitting in my room in what will soon be my former home. there is 12" of snow on the ground outside. i have not done anything with my day other than put on a pair of sweat pants, t-shirt, watch the bronco's lose, and search craigslist for various items for my new house. it is in this that i have realized i am exactly where i was a year ago. i thought of this earlier this week, but it seems more evident today. the holiday season is just around the corner. the girl i was dating has broken up with me. consequentially my life plans have changed a bit. this year instead of planning on moving and buying a ring, i bought a house with my money. music has hit a slow point. but i sat down yesterday and began to write again. i have planned for my dear friend to come visit at new years. my room is still a mess. i still see the same people, who still suggest the same things to me, and who still invite me out because they care for me and my messy life. while some events are different, i am very much in the same place. and it makes me wonder if i will ever leave this place? will i ever have time to live the life i really want? am i always going to sit on this idea that i would rather play music and talk about life with people than anything else, but yet stay where i am because i have a safe place in my work (relatively) and have begun enjoying it and learning skills to help with this new project that is my house. i own a house. that is ridiculous in itself. i am only 26, and i own a bigger house than most people i know through their late 30's. not to mention it is in one of the coolest parts of denver in my opinion. (this is a great run on paragraph by the way). will this be another long winter? will i always wrestle with seasonal depression? do i need to speak up more about what i want in life? will i always be the friend with a crazy life? am i the friend with all of the relational drama? will that ever end? maybe, when i come around to dating another, she will live in the same state as i for once. will my past always resurface at what seem to be ironic points? what will become of my faith? i have a degree in which i am uncertain of where i fully stand. i know this is a product of where i am, being that i am mid 20's and searching for life and what to do with it (everything i am rambling about), but does it ever really change? or do we make a decision to change to a solid belief in something because we grow weak from the free floating uncertainty that is what life seems to be in this day in age?
i hope that someday i will have a peace about everything, and i will look back on it and write the tales of my story, as crazy as it may be. i am honored to have a life to live, and the community around me has been amazing to be a part of. i'm thankful for time to reflect, even just briefly, upon where i've been and how i am still here despite the weathering storms. i hope i will continue to stay where i am (within some reason) and that i will once again find excitement about today and tomorrow.
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