alone

the days grow longer. clouds gather sometimes, and the wind blows. faces are everywhere, each one of them cares, yet none have cured the pain which eats away at our hearts. routines are all that seem to be evident. the only familiarity is the understanding that you are alone.

maybe it's depression. maybe it's only seasonal. maybe it really is life circumstances, ironic they always seem to fall one upon the other to compile this great mass which weighs heavily upon my chest.

almost once a year i feel that i experience what so many others feel throughout life. i've determined it must be one of the most common feelings amongst living beings today. this of course is the feeling of alone. separation. isolation.

this could be rational for how we live our lives. or maybe we have just become more desperate for human contact. for anyone to listen. we will almost go to near death extents just for someone to see us. to pay attention. to notice. we have so many internet tools to make this possible, take twitter for instance. i have a friend on twitter who i sometimes get tired of reading home much crap they post, as if someone really wants to know or cares about what they think all day. sure it's fun to post and tell miscellaneous people all across the world what you're doing or what you thought about such and such, but is this not just another filler to make us believe that someone somewhere cares? there are millions of examples, but yet does it really mean we are understood? and if we were truly understood, would we no longer feel alone? or would our definition and understanding of alone simply change and become more complex. constantly evolving to where no simple response can break the complexity of what it is to feel alone? because sometimes maybe it feels nice to believe that no one understands. then we might be unique, original, or important due to this lack of relation which is really nothing more than feeling alone.

alone is interesting in that no matter how much we mess everything up, no matter how great we have done, there is always a place of comfort in knowing there is no comfort. or at least we can block any such comfort. we can toss away everything we thought we wanted for whatever reason, and wander the streets alone. but still there is the pain. standing amidst so many people, none of whom really know you (or at least this is what you have convinced yourself), surrounded yet alone. feeling more alone than ever. there is such defeat yet so much comfort in feeling alone.

another morning short

so i'm sitting here on my bed waiting to head out to work since i don't have to be in until 8 today, so lets see if i can write anything decent in ten minutes.

as many of you know, i recently purchased a house. it's a great house. however it needs a bit of work. this is what seems to happen when you purchase a hundred and twenty three year old house that's previous owners abused greatly. but i have discovered a great deal about the house, and have had a lot of questions about it's history in the mean time. who was the house built for? clearly it was for a larger family back at the turn of the century (roughly). but who were they? what did they do? and with that, what did most people do at that time here in denver? miners and railroad workers seemed to be the primary residents of the great state i call home. did the builders of my house fall into these categories? what was life like for them? what problems did they face? did they wrestle with the idea of existing in a world where they were uncertain of what they desired? or was life much simpler, and each individual was simply a piece to a puzzle? and further, do we actually fit into that same puzzle, only that we have made the puzzle much more complex in our heads due to our restlessness of of our belief in how the world operates around us?

one of these days i'll have to make it down to the library and look up the old public records and learn about these people who built my house on third and broadway. at that point i'll probably share the information so you to can have the answers to all these questions and more; since i know all of you think in the same manner i do and are just dying to know...

with that it is time to go. off to work another day.

a short thought

when did it become a problem to be a nice guy? i have come to realize this isn't really accepted well. not that i am the ultimate nice guy, because i'm not, but i have found that in various situations i need to be more aware of things. let's say there is a female involved, and i, trying to be who i am, hold a friendly conversation in which i am genuinely interested in this individuals well being and thus desire to hear their story. well, this backfires as i soon find out they were taking it as i am interested in them in a manner which i had not intended. there was nothing out of the ordinary in how i treated them, in fact i convince myself that if they saw me interacting the same way with others they would soon see that it is just the character i like to portray, a friendly caring individual.

this backfired many years ago when i decided it would be a brilliant idea to kiss all of my friends on the cheek. this did not go over so well for one girl who took it as i liked her, and upon her seeing me give another individual a kiss on the cheek she became very upset with me because in her mind i was showing interest in another. that is when i decided i had to stop the kiss on the cheek bit. it was like communism, good in theory...

on a different level, not nearly as interesting to discuss, when you interact with members of the same sex in a friendly caring manner it does not always go over very well either. i have seen it many times become a reason for questioning ones motives, as if we don't trust this person at all. or maybe they are trying to make up for something they have done and we are yet to discover, or even worse they are prepping us for what is about to come. those sneaky bastards, trying to pull the wool over our eyes... can't let that happen.

it is ridiculous. why is it so hard to believe and accept that some people really just want to be nice people. i may not have been this way years ago, but somewhere along the line i decided i like being nice; well, most of the time. at least i don't really like playing the role of the jerk, because i know what it's like to think of another as a jerk, and there isn't much nice to say other than they are jerks (i don't need anything except this ashtray, and the paddle game).

so here is to jerks. and nice people. and people who can't seem to believe there are no ulterior motives.

monday morning

it's not that today is really anything out of the ordinary. no special occasion, nothing major on my mind. but it is the conclusion of the past week and a starting point for this new venture.

over the past week i have seen sides of many friend that have been unusual for many of their characters. i've seen grief stricken friends who do not know how to express this. i've seen frustrated individuals who are debating if they will take a step to move from where they are. i've seen the shyness of some be pushed aside in presence of opportunity. and i have seen many who have regret what they have or have not done in life. everyone is very colorful, and each situation has a different story.

recently i had an encounter with a friend who feels the need to take the world upon their shoulders and feels as though they will let others down if they are not the strong one. there have been many reasons to be overwhelmed with grief, but yet we have to hold firm because not to is a dreadful thing. especially when our whole life and world view justification seems as though it will be ruined if we do not stand firm. and sometimes really what is needed is the collapse of what we have formerly believed was so crucial, and to simply take life as what it is, a great unknown. while we are busy disillusioning ourselves with minor issues, the real problem is our fear to face the reality that we have no control over anything other than our interactions with the world (although this is even debatable).

i'm pretty sure that if everyone was simply honest and accepting of one another's burdens that just maybe we could make this world a little more manageable to live in. so maybe this monday morning we shall all start to engage with the worlds around us in a bit different of a manner. leave our perceived differences and preconceived notions somewhere else, because they have done nothing for our benefit to this point, and see what new places we may discover.

returning to life

i've determined i'm not very consistent in some things. my life is an interesting picture, which is almost always changing, but yet very much consistent the entire time at the end of the day. if you are a reader of the words i write maybe you already know this. may it be my over confidence that this time i'll actually have the time to write something new, or in the consistence of subjects in which i am always drawn back to, and even my thought pattern and belief of how things all fit together somehow.

today i am sitting in my room in what will soon be my former home. there is 12" of snow on the ground outside. i have not done anything with my day other than put on a pair of sweat pants, t-shirt, watch the bronco's lose, and search craigslist for various items for my new house. it is in this that i have realized i am exactly where i was a year ago. i thought of this earlier this week, but it seems more evident today. the holiday season is just around the corner. the girl i was dating has broken up with me. consequentially my life plans have changed a bit. this year instead of planning on moving and buying a ring, i bought a house with my money. music has hit a slow point. but i sat down yesterday and began to write again. i have planned for my dear friend to come visit at new years. my room is still a mess. i still see the same people, who still suggest the same things to me, and who still invite me out because they care for me and my messy life. while some events are different, i am very much in the same place. and it makes me wonder if i will ever leave this place? will i ever have time to live the life i really want? am i always going to sit on this idea that i would rather play music and talk about life with people than anything else, but yet stay where i am because i have a safe place in my work (relatively) and have begun enjoying it and learning skills to help with this new project that is my house. i own a house. that is ridiculous in itself. i am only 26, and i own a bigger house than most people i know through their late 30's. not to mention it is in one of the coolest parts of denver in my opinion. (this is a great run on paragraph by the way). will this be another long winter? will i always wrestle with seasonal depression? do i need to speak up more about what i want in life? will i always be the friend with a crazy life? am i the friend with all of the relational drama? will that ever end? maybe, when i come around to dating another, she will live in the same state as i for once. will my past always resurface at what seem to be ironic points? what will become of my faith? i have a degree in which i am uncertain of where i fully stand. i know this is a product of where i am, being that i am mid 20's and searching for life and what to do with it (everything i am rambling about), but does it ever really change? or do we make a decision to change to a solid belief in something because we grow weak from the free floating uncertainty that is what life seems to be in this day in age?

i hope that someday i will have a peace about everything, and i will look back on it and write the tales of my story, as crazy as it may be. i am honored to have a life to live, and the community around me has been amazing to be a part of. i'm thankful for time to reflect, even just briefly, upon where i've been and how i am still here despite the weathering storms. i hope i will continue to stay where i am (within some reason) and that i will once again find excitement about today and tomorrow.

belief

It’s odd to think about all of the years in which we live our lives with no real consideration of why we do what we do. From such a young age we generally just follow suit with the standards of where we grow. This is understandable of course; truthfully there isn’t much else that could occur until the individual is conscious to determine if they will live their lives in a similar track in which they have for their previous years or begin to find a new path. I can’t fully say when this happened for me, but I can say it began many years ago. However, there are others who may never confront this and will continue to live how they were taught. There is nothing wrong with this, it is just a choice one makes in the belief that the world they know is the best it can be, or that there is more to be living for in some other direction.

Recently I was speaking with a friend about his children and how he has chosen to raise them. His daughter is being read the bible nightly because this is the tradition of his family; however, he personally has moved away from his beliefs in Christianity. What I found more interesting was how he mentioned that not only his parents but also his wife would consider themselves Christians. This seemed in my understanding as a possibility for struggles due to the differing view points, especially knowing of his parents and their very evangelical belief. But that is a separate discussion all together, so back to my original though… My friend mentioned that each night him or his wife read the bible to their daughter. He followed this with the explanation that they don’t read the Qur’an because that is not the culture in which we live, and thus they read what is customary, especially based upon the way they both had grown. The next point shared was that he has the discussion with his daughter about how she doesn’t have to believe these stories just because someone says so, and that she does not need to believe what mommy and daddy believe either. She is her own person and she may decide for herself what she believes. Granted she is only 4 years old. Something he did not mention is whether or not he will do the same with his son. This is a very interesting approach, especially coming from a man whose parents did not allow the same. Further, I am curious as to what his belief today might be if his parents had chosen a different method raising him, or given him the ability to choose at a young age.

It seems that everyone I’ve been in conversations with lately has some story in similar veins to this. Generally I’ve found one of three options; an individuals family was religious of some assortment and the individual believes that this is the best path and stick close to the principles from their youth; the family was religious and there is an outright rejection (generally based upon some event, which may have involved feeling shame or exclusion of some assortment and leaving due to these events; this would also include individuals who don’t straight reject their families beliefs but rather sit in question without the commitment of a “belief”); and finally those who have grown up with no real religious or moral guiding base point and have since continued to live their life in a very similar manner. Now I feel I must clarify a bit here due to the term ‘religious’ which may sound a bit odd, by religious in this case I am referring to any belief system based on the understanding that there is truth in one or many things; a structure of some sort. This includes everything from Judaism, Christianity, Atheism, Islamism, Buddhism, or any off shoot as well as smaller belief groups (this could also include such beliefs as a co-worker of mines who Sunday is a holy day if the Bronco’s are playing, it is in the same level as a common Christian’s belief of attending church).

So I suppose what really perplexes me is how and why we end up choosing what we do? Do we really believe that what we choose is more right than another? Did we come to these beliefs by the influential sway of our community, a figurehead, families, or are we really so independent that we actually choose without any outside influence (which in my opinion isn’t even possible)? We know that we are influenced by a great number of things; this is evidenced in everything from common trends to choices we make in regards to what we eat. But how does that all blend together to form a belief system, are we fully aware of all of the factors, and with that knowledge can we have any control in the end result? Or are we robotic shells, doomed to follow the path of a part in a machine in which we have no choice in how we ultimately end?

Life is a complicated thing.

november

so it seems to me that from time to time i realize i started this blog and i should write. and it's funny because every time i come back to it i feel as if this may well be my triumphant return, and that i will continue to write all of the horrible and pleasant thoughts i seem to find myself thinking for all to read. this of course holds no regard for the past and where i have been, nor the future and where i might be after the next long period between my decision to write again. all of this leads me to where i am currently, the present. i am currently sitting in a booth at the panera bread which i have frequently visited over the past three months of my life to eat a bagel and drink my earl grey tea(not the best earl grey i've had, but it's been suffice).

now where to begin... life has been a very odd thing for me since i last checked in here. it would seem that i have grown up a bit as some would suggest, this being accredited to my purchasing of my first house. it is a lovely two story victorian in the baker neighborhood here in denver. just down the way from a few local venues i frequent myself at, which includes last night(i will get in to this in a bit). other big things in my life have included the completion(minus minor touch ups)of the restaurant i began building in august. in fact, today is the official opening day. other news, i recently had what i believe to be an encounter with the swine flu. that was fun. the following weekend i traveled to durango for a wonderful weekend vacation with one of the greatest families i have ever known. also around this time i had the opportunity to spend time with a dear friend whom i had not seen in over a year. and for halloween i dressed as one of my personal heroes, elwood blues. that's a moderate sum of things that have happened in october. there have been many other events i suppose, but they were not strong enough candidates for my mind to recall at the moment, and thus not added to the list.

on to november. this is a month of newness i suppose. it would seem that my life has had quick changes and that i am starting fresh in many regards. i am hoping to move into my new house in the next few weeks, hoping to start playing music again after my brief hiatus, i will be starting a new job site in the next month, and i'm sure there is some other things which will be new of which i can not recall currently that might have impact as well. and all the while i would like to write about some experiences and thoughts. later today i hope to write a bit on belief, and maybe tomorrow i'll write about my house. those are some decent goals to set i suppose. well, on with the rest of the day. here is to a triumphant return, or to another point where i have checked in briefly. hooray. have a lovely afternoon.