Friday, December 4, 2009
news
about ten minutes ago i dosed off while playing guitar (yes it's been a long week). i awoke to a loud thump and a "ahhhh". i go look out the back of the house thinking it might be a room mate moving in who dropped something at while trying to open the door, but nothing. so i go to the front. open the door, and see my recycling bin has arrived, but this could not have been the clatter which i heard. suddenly my focus goes straight to 3rd ave. there is a car parked between both lanes of traffic, and a man with a bicycle upside down. it all makes sense. he was hit in front of my house. i ask if he is alright, if he need any help, he says no but now his handle bars are messed up. so i twist them back into place for him, he asks me for a dollar, to which i show him all i have is a crumpled receipt. i receive a god bless, and he rides away muttering about bad drivers. exciting events at(or rather in front of) the house off third.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
alone
the days grow longer. clouds gather sometimes, and the wind blows. faces are everywhere, each one of them cares, yet none have cured the pain which eats away at our hearts. routines are all that seem to be evident. the only familiarity is the understanding that you are alone.
maybe it's depression. maybe it's only seasonal. maybe it really is life circumstances, ironic they always seem to fall one upon the other to compile this great mass which weighs heavily upon my chest.
almost once a year i feel that i experience what so many others feel throughout life. i've determined it must be one of the most common feelings amongst living beings today. this of course is the feeling of alone. separation. isolation.
this could be rational for how we live our lives. or maybe we have just become more desperate for human contact. for anyone to listen. we will almost go to near death extents just for someone to see us. to pay attention. to notice. we have so many internet tools to make this possible, take twitter for instance. i have a friend on twitter who i sometimes get tired of reading home much crap they post, as if someone really wants to know or cares about what they think all day. sure it's fun to post and tell miscellaneous people all across the world what you're doing or what you thought about such and such, but is this not just another filler to make us believe that someone somewhere cares? there are millions of examples, but yet does it really mean we are understood? and if we were truly understood, would we no longer feel alone? or would our definition and understanding of alone simply change and become more complex. constantly evolving to where no simple response can break the complexity of what it is to feel alone? because sometimes maybe it feels nice to believe that no one understands. then we might be unique, original, or important due to this lack of relation which is really nothing more than feeling alone.
alone is interesting in that no matter how much we mess everything up, no matter how great we have done, there is always a place of comfort in knowing there is no comfort. or at least we can block any such comfort. we can toss away everything we thought we wanted for whatever reason, and wander the streets alone. but still there is the pain. standing amidst so many people, none of whom really know you (or at least this is what you have convinced yourself), surrounded yet alone. feeling more alone than ever. there is such defeat yet so much comfort in feeling alone.
maybe it's depression. maybe it's only seasonal. maybe it really is life circumstances, ironic they always seem to fall one upon the other to compile this great mass which weighs heavily upon my chest.
almost once a year i feel that i experience what so many others feel throughout life. i've determined it must be one of the most common feelings amongst living beings today. this of course is the feeling of alone. separation. isolation.
this could be rational for how we live our lives. or maybe we have just become more desperate for human contact. for anyone to listen. we will almost go to near death extents just for someone to see us. to pay attention. to notice. we have so many internet tools to make this possible, take twitter for instance. i have a friend on twitter who i sometimes get tired of reading home much crap they post, as if someone really wants to know or cares about what they think all day. sure it's fun to post and tell miscellaneous people all across the world what you're doing or what you thought about such and such, but is this not just another filler to make us believe that someone somewhere cares? there are millions of examples, but yet does it really mean we are understood? and if we were truly understood, would we no longer feel alone? or would our definition and understanding of alone simply change and become more complex. constantly evolving to where no simple response can break the complexity of what it is to feel alone? because sometimes maybe it feels nice to believe that no one understands. then we might be unique, original, or important due to this lack of relation which is really nothing more than feeling alone.
alone is interesting in that no matter how much we mess everything up, no matter how great we have done, there is always a place of comfort in knowing there is no comfort. or at least we can block any such comfort. we can toss away everything we thought we wanted for whatever reason, and wander the streets alone. but still there is the pain. standing amidst so many people, none of whom really know you (or at least this is what you have convinced yourself), surrounded yet alone. feeling more alone than ever. there is such defeat yet so much comfort in feeling alone.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
another morning short
so i'm sitting here on my bed waiting to head out to work since i don't have to be in until 8 today, so lets see if i can write anything decent in ten minutes.
as many of you know, i recently purchased a house. it's a great house. however it needs a bit of work. this is what seems to happen when you purchase a hundred and twenty three year old house that's previous owners abused greatly. but i have discovered a great deal about the house, and have had a lot of questions about it's history in the mean time. who was the house built for? clearly it was for a larger family back at the turn of the century (roughly). but who were they? what did they do? and with that, what did most people do at that time here in denver? miners and railroad workers seemed to be the primary residents of the great state i call home. did the builders of my house fall into these categories? what was life like for them? what problems did they face? did they wrestle with the idea of existing in a world where they were uncertain of what they desired? or was life much simpler, and each individual was simply a piece to a puzzle? and further, do we actually fit into that same puzzle, only that we have made the puzzle much more complex in our heads due to our restlessness of of our belief in how the world operates around us?
one of these days i'll have to make it down to the library and look up the old public records and learn about these people who built my house on third and broadway. at that point i'll probably share the information so you to can have the answers to all these questions and more; since i know all of you think in the same manner i do and are just dying to know...
with that it is time to go. off to work another day.
as many of you know, i recently purchased a house. it's a great house. however it needs a bit of work. this is what seems to happen when you purchase a hundred and twenty three year old house that's previous owners abused greatly. but i have discovered a great deal about the house, and have had a lot of questions about it's history in the mean time. who was the house built for? clearly it was for a larger family back at the turn of the century (roughly). but who were they? what did they do? and with that, what did most people do at that time here in denver? miners and railroad workers seemed to be the primary residents of the great state i call home. did the builders of my house fall into these categories? what was life like for them? what problems did they face? did they wrestle with the idea of existing in a world where they were uncertain of what they desired? or was life much simpler, and each individual was simply a piece to a puzzle? and further, do we actually fit into that same puzzle, only that we have made the puzzle much more complex in our heads due to our restlessness of of our belief in how the world operates around us?
one of these days i'll have to make it down to the library and look up the old public records and learn about these people who built my house on third and broadway. at that point i'll probably share the information so you to can have the answers to all these questions and more; since i know all of you think in the same manner i do and are just dying to know...
with that it is time to go. off to work another day.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
a short thought
when did it become a problem to be a nice guy? i have come to realize this isn't really accepted well. not that i am the ultimate nice guy, because i'm not, but i have found that in various situations i need to be more aware of things. let's say there is a female involved, and i, trying to be who i am, hold a friendly conversation in which i am genuinely interested in this individuals well being and thus desire to hear their story. well, this backfires as i soon find out they were taking it as i am interested in them in a manner which i had not intended. there was nothing out of the ordinary in how i treated them, in fact i convince myself that if they saw me interacting the same way with others they would soon see that it is just the character i like to portray, a friendly caring individual.
this backfired many years ago when i decided it would be a brilliant idea to kiss all of my friends on the cheek. this did not go over so well for one girl who took it as i liked her, and upon her seeing me give another individual a kiss on the cheek she became very upset with me because in her mind i was showing interest in another. that is when i decided i had to stop the kiss on the cheek bit. it was like communism, good in theory...
on a different level, not nearly as interesting to discuss, when you interact with members of the same sex in a friendly caring manner it does not always go over very well either. i have seen it many times become a reason for questioning ones motives, as if we don't trust this person at all. or maybe they are trying to make up for something they have done and we are yet to discover, or even worse they are prepping us for what is about to come. those sneaky bastards, trying to pull the wool over our eyes... can't let that happen.
it is ridiculous. why is it so hard to believe and accept that some people really just want to be nice people. i may not have been this way years ago, but somewhere along the line i decided i like being nice; well, most of the time. at least i don't really like playing the role of the jerk, because i know what it's like to think of another as a jerk, and there isn't much nice to say other than they are jerks (i don't need anything except this ashtray, and the paddle game).
so here is to jerks. and nice people. and people who can't seem to believe there are no ulterior motives.
this backfired many years ago when i decided it would be a brilliant idea to kiss all of my friends on the cheek. this did not go over so well for one girl who took it as i liked her, and upon her seeing me give another individual a kiss on the cheek she became very upset with me because in her mind i was showing interest in another. that is when i decided i had to stop the kiss on the cheek bit. it was like communism, good in theory...
on a different level, not nearly as interesting to discuss, when you interact with members of the same sex in a friendly caring manner it does not always go over very well either. i have seen it many times become a reason for questioning ones motives, as if we don't trust this person at all. or maybe they are trying to make up for something they have done and we are yet to discover, or even worse they are prepping us for what is about to come. those sneaky bastards, trying to pull the wool over our eyes... can't let that happen.
it is ridiculous. why is it so hard to believe and accept that some people really just want to be nice people. i may not have been this way years ago, but somewhere along the line i decided i like being nice; well, most of the time. at least i don't really like playing the role of the jerk, because i know what it's like to think of another as a jerk, and there isn't much nice to say other than they are jerks (i don't need anything except this ashtray, and the paddle game).
so here is to jerks. and nice people. and people who can't seem to believe there are no ulterior motives.
Monday, November 16, 2009
monday morning
it's not that today is really anything out of the ordinary. no special occasion, nothing major on my mind. but it is the conclusion of the past week and a starting point for this new venture.
over the past week i have seen sides of many friend that have been unusual for many of their characters. i've seen grief stricken friends who do not know how to express this. i've seen frustrated individuals who are debating if they will take a step to move from where they are. i've seen the shyness of some be pushed aside in presence of opportunity. and i have seen many who have regret what they have or have not done in life. everyone is very colorful, and each situation has a different story.
recently i had an encounter with a friend who feels the need to take the world upon their shoulders and feels as though they will let others down if they are not the strong one. there have been many reasons to be overwhelmed with grief, but yet we have to hold firm because not to is a dreadful thing. especially when our whole life and world view justification seems as though it will be ruined if we do not stand firm. and sometimes really what is needed is the collapse of what we have formerly believed was so crucial, and to simply take life as what it is, a great unknown. while we are busy disillusioning ourselves with minor issues, the real problem is our fear to face the reality that we have no control over anything other than our interactions with the world (although this is even debatable).
i'm pretty sure that if everyone was simply honest and accepting of one another's burdens that just maybe we could make this world a little more manageable to live in. so maybe this monday morning we shall all start to engage with the worlds around us in a bit different of a manner. leave our perceived differences and preconceived notions somewhere else, because they have done nothing for our benefit to this point, and see what new places we may discover.
over the past week i have seen sides of many friend that have been unusual for many of their characters. i've seen grief stricken friends who do not know how to express this. i've seen frustrated individuals who are debating if they will take a step to move from where they are. i've seen the shyness of some be pushed aside in presence of opportunity. and i have seen many who have regret what they have or have not done in life. everyone is very colorful, and each situation has a different story.
recently i had an encounter with a friend who feels the need to take the world upon their shoulders and feels as though they will let others down if they are not the strong one. there have been many reasons to be overwhelmed with grief, but yet we have to hold firm because not to is a dreadful thing. especially when our whole life and world view justification seems as though it will be ruined if we do not stand firm. and sometimes really what is needed is the collapse of what we have formerly believed was so crucial, and to simply take life as what it is, a great unknown. while we are busy disillusioning ourselves with minor issues, the real problem is our fear to face the reality that we have no control over anything other than our interactions with the world (although this is even debatable).
i'm pretty sure that if everyone was simply honest and accepting of one another's burdens that just maybe we could make this world a little more manageable to live in. so maybe this monday morning we shall all start to engage with the worlds around us in a bit different of a manner. leave our perceived differences and preconceived notions somewhere else, because they have done nothing for our benefit to this point, and see what new places we may discover.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
returning to life
i've determined i'm not very consistent in some things. my life is an interesting picture, which is almost always changing, but yet very much consistent the entire time at the end of the day. if you are a reader of the words i write maybe you already know this. may it be my over confidence that this time i'll actually have the time to write something new, or in the consistence of subjects in which i am always drawn back to, and even my thought pattern and belief of how things all fit together somehow.
today i am sitting in my room in what will soon be my former home. there is 12" of snow on the ground outside. i have not done anything with my day other than put on a pair of sweat pants, t-shirt, watch the bronco's lose, and search craigslist for various items for my new house. it is in this that i have realized i am exactly where i was a year ago. i thought of this earlier this week, but it seems more evident today. the holiday season is just around the corner. the girl i was dating has broken up with me. consequentially my life plans have changed a bit. this year instead of planning on moving and buying a ring, i bought a house with my money. music has hit a slow point. but i sat down yesterday and began to write again. i have planned for my dear friend to come visit at new years. my room is still a mess. i still see the same people, who still suggest the same things to me, and who still invite me out because they care for me and my messy life. while some events are different, i am very much in the same place. and it makes me wonder if i will ever leave this place? will i ever have time to live the life i really want? am i always going to sit on this idea that i would rather play music and talk about life with people than anything else, but yet stay where i am because i have a safe place in my work (relatively) and have begun enjoying it and learning skills to help with this new project that is my house. i own a house. that is ridiculous in itself. i am only 26, and i own a bigger house than most people i know through their late 30's. not to mention it is in one of the coolest parts of denver in my opinion. (this is a great run on paragraph by the way). will this be another long winter? will i always wrestle with seasonal depression? do i need to speak up more about what i want in life? will i always be the friend with a crazy life? am i the friend with all of the relational drama? will that ever end? maybe, when i come around to dating another, she will live in the same state as i for once. will my past always resurface at what seem to be ironic points? what will become of my faith? i have a degree in which i am uncertain of where i fully stand. i know this is a product of where i am, being that i am mid 20's and searching for life and what to do with it (everything i am rambling about), but does it ever really change? or do we make a decision to change to a solid belief in something because we grow weak from the free floating uncertainty that is what life seems to be in this day in age?
i hope that someday i will have a peace about everything, and i will look back on it and write the tales of my story, as crazy as it may be. i am honored to have a life to live, and the community around me has been amazing to be a part of. i'm thankful for time to reflect, even just briefly, upon where i've been and how i am still here despite the weathering storms. i hope i will continue to stay where i am (within some reason) and that i will once again find excitement about today and tomorrow.
today i am sitting in my room in what will soon be my former home. there is 12" of snow on the ground outside. i have not done anything with my day other than put on a pair of sweat pants, t-shirt, watch the bronco's lose, and search craigslist for various items for my new house. it is in this that i have realized i am exactly where i was a year ago. i thought of this earlier this week, but it seems more evident today. the holiday season is just around the corner. the girl i was dating has broken up with me. consequentially my life plans have changed a bit. this year instead of planning on moving and buying a ring, i bought a house with my money. music has hit a slow point. but i sat down yesterday and began to write again. i have planned for my dear friend to come visit at new years. my room is still a mess. i still see the same people, who still suggest the same things to me, and who still invite me out because they care for me and my messy life. while some events are different, i am very much in the same place. and it makes me wonder if i will ever leave this place? will i ever have time to live the life i really want? am i always going to sit on this idea that i would rather play music and talk about life with people than anything else, but yet stay where i am because i have a safe place in my work (relatively) and have begun enjoying it and learning skills to help with this new project that is my house. i own a house. that is ridiculous in itself. i am only 26, and i own a bigger house than most people i know through their late 30's. not to mention it is in one of the coolest parts of denver in my opinion. (this is a great run on paragraph by the way). will this be another long winter? will i always wrestle with seasonal depression? do i need to speak up more about what i want in life? will i always be the friend with a crazy life? am i the friend with all of the relational drama? will that ever end? maybe, when i come around to dating another, she will live in the same state as i for once. will my past always resurface at what seem to be ironic points? what will become of my faith? i have a degree in which i am uncertain of where i fully stand. i know this is a product of where i am, being that i am mid 20's and searching for life and what to do with it (everything i am rambling about), but does it ever really change? or do we make a decision to change to a solid belief in something because we grow weak from the free floating uncertainty that is what life seems to be in this day in age?
i hope that someday i will have a peace about everything, and i will look back on it and write the tales of my story, as crazy as it may be. i am honored to have a life to live, and the community around me has been amazing to be a part of. i'm thankful for time to reflect, even just briefly, upon where i've been and how i am still here despite the weathering storms. i hope i will continue to stay where i am (within some reason) and that i will once again find excitement about today and tomorrow.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
belief
It’s odd to think about all of the years in which we live our lives with no real consideration of why we do what we do. From such a young age we generally just follow suit with the standards of where we grow. This is understandable of course; truthfully there isn’t much else that could occur until the individual is conscious to determine if they will live their lives in a similar track in which they have for their previous years or begin to find a new path. I can’t fully say when this happened for me, but I can say it began many years ago. However, there are others who may never confront this and will continue to live how they were taught. There is nothing wrong with this, it is just a choice one makes in the belief that the world they know is the best it can be, or that there is more to be living for in some other direction.
Recently I was speaking with a friend about his children and how he has chosen to raise them. His daughter is being read the bible nightly because this is the tradition of his family; however, he personally has moved away from his beliefs in Christianity. What I found more interesting was how he mentioned that not only his parents but also his wife would consider themselves Christians. This seemed in my understanding as a possibility for struggles due to the differing view points, especially knowing of his parents and their very evangelical belief. But that is a separate discussion all together, so back to my original though… My friend mentioned that each night him or his wife read the bible to their daughter. He followed this with the explanation that they don’t read the Qur’an because that is not the culture in which we live, and thus they read what is customary, especially based upon the way they both had grown. The next point shared was that he has the discussion with his daughter about how she doesn’t have to believe these stories just because someone says so, and that she does not need to believe what mommy and daddy believe either. She is her own person and she may decide for herself what she believes. Granted she is only 4 years old. Something he did not mention is whether or not he will do the same with his son. This is a very interesting approach, especially coming from a man whose parents did not allow the same. Further, I am curious as to what his belief today might be if his parents had chosen a different method raising him, or given him the ability to choose at a young age.
It seems that everyone I’ve been in conversations with lately has some story in similar veins to this. Generally I’ve found one of three options; an individuals family was religious of some assortment and the individual believes that this is the best path and stick close to the principles from their youth; the family was religious and there is an outright rejection (generally based upon some event, which may have involved feeling shame or exclusion of some assortment and leaving due to these events; this would also include individuals who don’t straight reject their families beliefs but rather sit in question without the commitment of a “belief”); and finally those who have grown up with no real religious or moral guiding base point and have since continued to live their life in a very similar manner. Now I feel I must clarify a bit here due to the term ‘religious’ which may sound a bit odd, by religious in this case I am referring to any belief system based on the understanding that there is truth in one or many things; a structure of some sort. This includes everything from Judaism, Christianity, Atheism, Islamism, Buddhism, or any off shoot as well as smaller belief groups (this could also include such beliefs as a co-worker of mines who Sunday is a holy day if the Bronco’s are playing, it is in the same level as a common Christian’s belief of attending church).
So I suppose what really perplexes me is how and why we end up choosing what we do? Do we really believe that what we choose is more right than another? Did we come to these beliefs by the influential sway of our community, a figurehead, families, or are we really so independent that we actually choose without any outside influence (which in my opinion isn’t even possible)? We know that we are influenced by a great number of things; this is evidenced in everything from common trends to choices we make in regards to what we eat. But how does that all blend together to form a belief system, are we fully aware of all of the factors, and with that knowledge can we have any control in the end result? Or are we robotic shells, doomed to follow the path of a part in a machine in which we have no choice in how we ultimately end?
Life is a complicated thing.
Recently I was speaking with a friend about his children and how he has chosen to raise them. His daughter is being read the bible nightly because this is the tradition of his family; however, he personally has moved away from his beliefs in Christianity. What I found more interesting was how he mentioned that not only his parents but also his wife would consider themselves Christians. This seemed in my understanding as a possibility for struggles due to the differing view points, especially knowing of his parents and their very evangelical belief. But that is a separate discussion all together, so back to my original though… My friend mentioned that each night him or his wife read the bible to their daughter. He followed this with the explanation that they don’t read the Qur’an because that is not the culture in which we live, and thus they read what is customary, especially based upon the way they both had grown. The next point shared was that he has the discussion with his daughter about how she doesn’t have to believe these stories just because someone says so, and that she does not need to believe what mommy and daddy believe either. She is her own person and she may decide for herself what she believes. Granted she is only 4 years old. Something he did not mention is whether or not he will do the same with his son. This is a very interesting approach, especially coming from a man whose parents did not allow the same. Further, I am curious as to what his belief today might be if his parents had chosen a different method raising him, or given him the ability to choose at a young age.
It seems that everyone I’ve been in conversations with lately has some story in similar veins to this. Generally I’ve found one of three options; an individuals family was religious of some assortment and the individual believes that this is the best path and stick close to the principles from their youth; the family was religious and there is an outright rejection (generally based upon some event, which may have involved feeling shame or exclusion of some assortment and leaving due to these events; this would also include individuals who don’t straight reject their families beliefs but rather sit in question without the commitment of a “belief”); and finally those who have grown up with no real religious or moral guiding base point and have since continued to live their life in a very similar manner. Now I feel I must clarify a bit here due to the term ‘religious’ which may sound a bit odd, by religious in this case I am referring to any belief system based on the understanding that there is truth in one or many things; a structure of some sort. This includes everything from Judaism, Christianity, Atheism, Islamism, Buddhism, or any off shoot as well as smaller belief groups (this could also include such beliefs as a co-worker of mines who Sunday is a holy day if the Bronco’s are playing, it is in the same level as a common Christian’s belief of attending church).
So I suppose what really perplexes me is how and why we end up choosing what we do? Do we really believe that what we choose is more right than another? Did we come to these beliefs by the influential sway of our community, a figurehead, families, or are we really so independent that we actually choose without any outside influence (which in my opinion isn’t even possible)? We know that we are influenced by a great number of things; this is evidenced in everything from common trends to choices we make in regards to what we eat. But how does that all blend together to form a belief system, are we fully aware of all of the factors, and with that knowledge can we have any control in the end result? Or are we robotic shells, doomed to follow the path of a part in a machine in which we have no choice in how we ultimately end?
Life is a complicated thing.
Monday, November 2, 2009
november
so it seems to me that from time to time i realize i started this blog and i should write. and it's funny because every time i come back to it i feel as if this may well be my triumphant return, and that i will continue to write all of the horrible and pleasant thoughts i seem to find myself thinking for all to read. this of course holds no regard for the past and where i have been, nor the future and where i might be after the next long period between my decision to write again. all of this leads me to where i am currently, the present. i am currently sitting in a booth at the panera bread which i have frequently visited over the past three months of my life to eat a bagel and drink my earl grey tea(not the best earl grey i've had, but it's been suffice).
now where to begin... life has been a very odd thing for me since i last checked in here. it would seem that i have grown up a bit as some would suggest, this being accredited to my purchasing of my first house. it is a lovely two story victorian in the baker neighborhood here in denver. just down the way from a few local venues i frequent myself at, which includes last night(i will get in to this in a bit). other big things in my life have included the completion(minus minor touch ups)of the restaurant i began building in august. in fact, today is the official opening day. other news, i recently had what i believe to be an encounter with the swine flu. that was fun. the following weekend i traveled to durango for a wonderful weekend vacation with one of the greatest families i have ever known. also around this time i had the opportunity to spend time with a dear friend whom i had not seen in over a year. and for halloween i dressed as one of my personal heroes, elwood blues. that's a moderate sum of things that have happened in october. there have been many other events i suppose, but they were not strong enough candidates for my mind to recall at the moment, and thus not added to the list.
on to november. this is a month of newness i suppose. it would seem that my life has had quick changes and that i am starting fresh in many regards. i am hoping to move into my new house in the next few weeks, hoping to start playing music again after my brief hiatus, i will be starting a new job site in the next month, and i'm sure there is some other things which will be new of which i can not recall currently that might have impact as well. and all the while i would like to write about some experiences and thoughts. later today i hope to write a bit on belief, and maybe tomorrow i'll write about my house. those are some decent goals to set i suppose. well, on with the rest of the day. here is to a triumphant return, or to another point where i have checked in briefly. hooray. have a lovely afternoon.
now where to begin... life has been a very odd thing for me since i last checked in here. it would seem that i have grown up a bit as some would suggest, this being accredited to my purchasing of my first house. it is a lovely two story victorian in the baker neighborhood here in denver. just down the way from a few local venues i frequent myself at, which includes last night(i will get in to this in a bit). other big things in my life have included the completion(minus minor touch ups)of the restaurant i began building in august. in fact, today is the official opening day. other news, i recently had what i believe to be an encounter with the swine flu. that was fun. the following weekend i traveled to durango for a wonderful weekend vacation with one of the greatest families i have ever known. also around this time i had the opportunity to spend time with a dear friend whom i had not seen in over a year. and for halloween i dressed as one of my personal heroes, elwood blues. that's a moderate sum of things that have happened in october. there have been many other events i suppose, but they were not strong enough candidates for my mind to recall at the moment, and thus not added to the list.
on to november. this is a month of newness i suppose. it would seem that my life has had quick changes and that i am starting fresh in many regards. i am hoping to move into my new house in the next few weeks, hoping to start playing music again after my brief hiatus, i will be starting a new job site in the next month, and i'm sure there is some other things which will be new of which i can not recall currently that might have impact as well. and all the while i would like to write about some experiences and thoughts. later today i hope to write a bit on belief, and maybe tomorrow i'll write about my house. those are some decent goals to set i suppose. well, on with the rest of the day. here is to a triumphant return, or to another point where i have checked in briefly. hooray. have a lovely afternoon.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
morning routine
every day i come into work, i turn my computer on and generally while waiting i open a game of spider solitaire. this is usually because i have a lot of programs to load upon arrival and they take some time to load. but the thing is, i never finish my game. i get a short ways in to the game and then when my programs open i get my work done and get out into the field. i have to be honest in saying more recently i've also looked at house business along with everything else. either way, my games are never finished. just an observation i have made of my standard day. thrilling i know.
Monday, June 8, 2009
houses
it's really depressing to me that as i have been searching for a house these past months that i have come to realize more each day that my city has changed. outsiders have changed the market and have determined value and worth beyond any reasonable conclusion. houses that only ten years ago would have been worth under $100,000 are not somewhere close to $400,000. there are more houses around city park which the owners are seeking more money than the houses are worth and thus in this area there are more houses which have been on the market for one year or longer.
these prices have brought me to the realization that i am not sure i will ever be able to afford to live in a my "dream house" of sorts. living in an area which i have grown up admiring is something that very well may never happen.
i want to know who determines worth and value? who is supreme enough to say what should cost what, and who should or should not be able to live in places. i understand that some people make more money and thus can afford elaborate homes, cherry hills is a good example. but that is all together different from this situation because cherry hills was never an aim of mine. however there is this awesome little farm house just off the highline close to where colorado blvd starts that i could handle... but really, it would take me near a lifetime to be able to afford to live in the neighborhood in which i have spent the majority of my life in, and we live in a standard middleclass neighborhood.
maybe i’ll just leave colorado all together.
these prices have brought me to the realization that i am not sure i will ever be able to afford to live in a my "dream house" of sorts. living in an area which i have grown up admiring is something that very well may never happen.
i want to know who determines worth and value? who is supreme enough to say what should cost what, and who should or should not be able to live in places. i understand that some people make more money and thus can afford elaborate homes, cherry hills is a good example. but that is all together different from this situation because cherry hills was never an aim of mine. however there is this awesome little farm house just off the highline close to where colorado blvd starts that i could handle... but really, it would take me near a lifetime to be able to afford to live in the neighborhood in which i have spent the majority of my life in, and we live in a standard middleclass neighborhood.
maybe i’ll just leave colorado all together.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Love
I started this a few days ago, so the time frame reference isn't exactly perfect because last night I was actually sitting on a plane flying back to Denver. And yet again I'm not going to expand any more because I've lost my train of thought, but none the less here are some thoughts I started.
Yesterday evening I spent a great deal of time with some individuals whom I would consider to be very close and whom I love dearly. We spent our evenings reminiscing over various events, which have left us in interesting places over the past year. No tears were brought forth, however it would not have been uncommon based upon how things have been going lately. My time spread me from Hollywood all the way down to Newport Beach. I had only planned on one of those, but at the end of the evening both were welcomed. I suppose part of that comes due to the fact that my time here is very limited and I want to make sure I see everyone I can and share my heart with those whom I have not had the chance in some time outside of the possibilities of e-mail, phone calls, or otherwise.
But in one conversation in particular things started to stand out to me a bit different last night, and with the combination of a Daniel Craig song I’ve been listening to this morning from his accidents e.p., I’ve brought myself to writing again. Many of you know where I have been over the past year, and it has been a difficult place. One in which I know I could not have weathered by myself, and thus I am so grateful for all of you who have been a support in some way. Nonetheless, my point brings me to this, love is an encounter in which it is not terribly hard to give, but is possibly only of value when it is accepted. Last week I had a situation in which I used an analogy with a close friend which I used a dollar bill and my giving it to her as an easy example, and yes I did not come up with this myself however I feel it is a good example thus I used it. I gave here the dollar by holding it in front of her and saying, “I want you to have this.” Slightly confused she took the dollar, and held it in her hand. I asked then whose dollar it was; her response was that it was mine. I happily disagreed, because I had given the dollar to her, and it became hers the moment she accepted it. There was nothing else behind the dollar, nothing she needed to have done in order to get the dollar, just accept. Sometimes I have found that is the hardest part of things in life. Specifically within the area of love, it can be freely given, and meant to the fullest extent, but it is only as good as the person accepting is willing to take.
I went to church on Sunday to a church I have never been before. The pastor was very long winded, and drifted all over the place. However, in his meandering he touched on one point of love (not really having anything to do with his initial point of whether or not we were going to be followers (disciples) of Christ or just the crowd; he specifically was referencing the first verse in the fifth book of Matthew), but he brought up his marriage. He said relationships can not truly be a 50/50 situation where both give 50% creating 100%. Now his point on this topic wandered a bit to, but the thoughts it triggered in me could be relevant. A relationship, or love I suppose, is a give and take situation. It is not a format and is not simple enough to expect that just by being present that a logical balance of both parties giving 50% to equate to a full percentage and a complete relationship. Rather, somedays there is more giving than taking, and others more taking than giving. For a long time I have always felt stronger, or found it easier, to be found on the giving side more frequently. It feels, or has felt possibly, to be a shameful thing to be on the taking side. Because taking equates to selfishness in theory.
Last night as I sat on a jetty somewhere around 47th my dear friend brought up the concept that in a relational aspect he has noticed; girls will be more attracted to him (or guys in general) when the guy ignores them. Specifically, he noted that if they feel the sense that the guy would do anything for them it’s either too good to be true, or that it’s too easy and feels wrong to accept something such as that. And thus while he can live his life fully willing to give he can be overlooked so easily because our culture has built up some belief that this is wrong. Now, not that my point is entirely relational based on the terms of boyfriend/girlfriend, but this explanation seemed to fit with where I was thinking. Also, to finish our conversation we both were in agreement that this interaction seems ridiculous to both of us, and we both feel that relationships would be so much easier without the interference of petty games, which are all based around our feelings of inadequacy.
Yesterday evening I spent a great deal of time with some individuals whom I would consider to be very close and whom I love dearly. We spent our evenings reminiscing over various events, which have left us in interesting places over the past year. No tears were brought forth, however it would not have been uncommon based upon how things have been going lately. My time spread me from Hollywood all the way down to Newport Beach. I had only planned on one of those, but at the end of the evening both were welcomed. I suppose part of that comes due to the fact that my time here is very limited and I want to make sure I see everyone I can and share my heart with those whom I have not had the chance in some time outside of the possibilities of e-mail, phone calls, or otherwise.
But in one conversation in particular things started to stand out to me a bit different last night, and with the combination of a Daniel Craig song I’ve been listening to this morning from his accidents e.p., I’ve brought myself to writing again. Many of you know where I have been over the past year, and it has been a difficult place. One in which I know I could not have weathered by myself, and thus I am so grateful for all of you who have been a support in some way. Nonetheless, my point brings me to this, love is an encounter in which it is not terribly hard to give, but is possibly only of value when it is accepted. Last week I had a situation in which I used an analogy with a close friend which I used a dollar bill and my giving it to her as an easy example, and yes I did not come up with this myself however I feel it is a good example thus I used it. I gave here the dollar by holding it in front of her and saying, “I want you to have this.” Slightly confused she took the dollar, and held it in her hand. I asked then whose dollar it was; her response was that it was mine. I happily disagreed, because I had given the dollar to her, and it became hers the moment she accepted it. There was nothing else behind the dollar, nothing she needed to have done in order to get the dollar, just accept. Sometimes I have found that is the hardest part of things in life. Specifically within the area of love, it can be freely given, and meant to the fullest extent, but it is only as good as the person accepting is willing to take.
I went to church on Sunday to a church I have never been before. The pastor was very long winded, and drifted all over the place. However, in his meandering he touched on one point of love (not really having anything to do with his initial point of whether or not we were going to be followers (disciples) of Christ or just the crowd; he specifically was referencing the first verse in the fifth book of Matthew), but he brought up his marriage. He said relationships can not truly be a 50/50 situation where both give 50% creating 100%. Now his point on this topic wandered a bit to, but the thoughts it triggered in me could be relevant. A relationship, or love I suppose, is a give and take situation. It is not a format and is not simple enough to expect that just by being present that a logical balance of both parties giving 50% to equate to a full percentage and a complete relationship. Rather, somedays there is more giving than taking, and others more taking than giving. For a long time I have always felt stronger, or found it easier, to be found on the giving side more frequently. It feels, or has felt possibly, to be a shameful thing to be on the taking side. Because taking equates to selfishness in theory.
Last night as I sat on a jetty somewhere around 47th my dear friend brought up the concept that in a relational aspect he has noticed; girls will be more attracted to him (or guys in general) when the guy ignores them. Specifically, he noted that if they feel the sense that the guy would do anything for them it’s either too good to be true, or that it’s too easy and feels wrong to accept something such as that. And thus while he can live his life fully willing to give he can be overlooked so easily because our culture has built up some belief that this is wrong. Now, not that my point is entirely relational based on the terms of boyfriend/girlfriend, but this explanation seemed to fit with where I was thinking. Also, to finish our conversation we both were in agreement that this interaction seems ridiculous to both of us, and we both feel that relationships would be so much easier without the interference of petty games, which are all based around our feelings of inadequacy.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
the breakdown of communication
I really don't have much time to write but this subject has been on my mind quite a bit today. I believe that one of the largest problems I have found in my life and many others whom I have had close interactions with is the issue of communication. It seems to me that we all have the ability for good clear communication, however we all seem to miss things here and there which ultimately cause quite the ordeal of issues.
Recently in my life I have had a situation which I truly believe would have ended much different if the other individual and I had better communicated. Meaning that I understood what they wanted and needed, and they understood the same of me. I think this might just be one of the keys to life... If others don't know or can't understand what is going on inside of our hearts and heads then of course things will eventually break down. This applies to so many different aspects of life as well, from a simple relational level, to interpersonal, and even occupational.
I was having a conversation today with a friend which triggered the thoughts in me of what is normal for me is not necessarily normal for someone else, and thus it is a great misdeed of ours to assume or hold everyone to the exact same standard without explanation or questions. Because while it may not make sense to me why someone is interacting with me a certain way, but if I talk to them there is a good chance that they can't understand why I am not tracking the same way. very frequently in my life over the past few weeks I have had multiple individuals talk to me in reference to various subjects where they have spoken with great passion and feeling towards how they "know" things are a certain way. And thus for them to interpret the situation in any other manner than what they already have is absurd, because they already know the answer according to their logic. Which of course to them is true, because it is connected to what they believe. Belief is a situation in which we have placed our value in something or someone to the extent where we don't need to necessarily have to question any longer because we have made it a part of how we live. And frankly put, if we didn't feel certain about our beliefs, we would most likely find a new one. Thus in a situation in which we have already determined the outcome due to our belief, whether correct or not (despite the fact that I personally feel just about everything in life is relative...), we have done nothing but close the door in some regards to communication.
Now I'm not sure if the correct response is tolerance, as many have argued that tolerance is a form of losing ones beliefs and thus opening Pandora's box by the universalism of saying do whatever makes one happy. Not that this is really all that different from how most individuals live already, but rather it would break down their believe that the way they live is far superior to others. So that is a separate issue all together. But, regardless of what one's belief is, without a good base of communication failure is almost inevitable.
So today I have decided to continue in my journey in which I hope deeply I will communicate in the best possible manner I can with everyone in my life. To me this equates to not simply a transparency of who I am and what I believe, but also the vulnerability enough to open who I am to each individual who values me enough to either seek that out from me or those who are simply willing to share this time and space with me. If you are someone I have entrusted please know that you are deeply values and I hope that our communication continues to grow. Blessings.
Recently in my life I have had a situation which I truly believe would have ended much different if the other individual and I had better communicated. Meaning that I understood what they wanted and needed, and they understood the same of me. I think this might just be one of the keys to life... If others don't know or can't understand what is going on inside of our hearts and heads then of course things will eventually break down. This applies to so many different aspects of life as well, from a simple relational level, to interpersonal, and even occupational.
I was having a conversation today with a friend which triggered the thoughts in me of what is normal for me is not necessarily normal for someone else, and thus it is a great misdeed of ours to assume or hold everyone to the exact same standard without explanation or questions. Because while it may not make sense to me why someone is interacting with me a certain way, but if I talk to them there is a good chance that they can't understand why I am not tracking the same way. very frequently in my life over the past few weeks I have had multiple individuals talk to me in reference to various subjects where they have spoken with great passion and feeling towards how they "know" things are a certain way. And thus for them to interpret the situation in any other manner than what they already have is absurd, because they already know the answer according to their logic. Which of course to them is true, because it is connected to what they believe. Belief is a situation in which we have placed our value in something or someone to the extent where we don't need to necessarily have to question any longer because we have made it a part of how we live. And frankly put, if we didn't feel certain about our beliefs, we would most likely find a new one. Thus in a situation in which we have already determined the outcome due to our belief, whether correct or not (despite the fact that I personally feel just about everything in life is relative...), we have done nothing but close the door in some regards to communication.
Now I'm not sure if the correct response is tolerance, as many have argued that tolerance is a form of losing ones beliefs and thus opening Pandora's box by the universalism of saying do whatever makes one happy. Not that this is really all that different from how most individuals live already, but rather it would break down their believe that the way they live is far superior to others. So that is a separate issue all together. But, regardless of what one's belief is, without a good base of communication failure is almost inevitable.
So today I have decided to continue in my journey in which I hope deeply I will communicate in the best possible manner I can with everyone in my life. To me this equates to not simply a transparency of who I am and what I believe, but also the vulnerability enough to open who I am to each individual who values me enough to either seek that out from me or those who are simply willing to share this time and space with me. If you are someone I have entrusted please know that you are deeply values and I hope that our communication continues to grow. Blessings.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Karma
I've determined I think karma is a terrible idea. This has been another one of my long standing but recently reflected upon beliefs which is now being fleshed out in writing.
Sunday evening on my way home from a good friends house there was a car stopped in the middle of Holly, just North of Arapahoe Rd. So naturally I stop next to this car and ask the driver if they need help. She responds back in a confused yes, to which I tell her to pull off at the street which is 30 ft. ahead. She informs me her tire is flat, so I respond that is not a problem, pull off and I'll change it for her. Upon pulling over I get all of the tools necessary and begin to change her tire. She tells me this is huge karma points for me. Now this is not the first time someone has said this to me over the past year or so, so I politely respond with a, "I'm not really sure I believe in karma." To which she says, "Well do unto others then I guess". While I think this is also a good moral thing, I'm not sure that was my motivation either.
See, I think my problem with karma is that fundamentally it's a self serve process. I mean, I guess if your only motivation in life to be a better individual or to care about someone other than self is based upon what you will receive in return, I suppose this is better than being completely self involved and indifferent to others, but I'm not sure by how much. Is it wrong to be a good person or care about others just for the sake of you feel that is important? That maybe it is important to you as an individual to help others in need just because. Why must there always be some other motivation for what we do? I mean it's easy to love and help those who are close to us or we care about, but what about everyone else? I know that if I did not pull over to help change this girls tire that someone else probably would eventually, but thats not the point. Is there any value in aiming to leave a positive impact upon the community (or world even)that we live in for nothing more than to hope that it will influence others in that community to do something of the same? I know that I believe perfect scenarios can not exist because of the corruption of man, and thus easy examples for failures in attempts for greatness can be found in everything from politics, to education, to business and to even some relationships. But really what would be so hard of stopping thinking about ourselves and giving out of the belief that if we can get enough people on board with no self motivated rewards other than making the world they live in a better place that a positive impact can truly be left? And it's not motivated out of bitterness of what was formerly existent, thus no political movement can encompass anything close to this, nor can any institution. Because agendas will always ruin the true deeds of goodness. It is so much more simple than any group can portray. It is at the level of individual hearts not building up in hopes of what is better to come for them. Thus, karma is a terrible idea.
Do something individual, and interact with the world with the goal of nothing more than being of benefit to your surroundings. Kill the theory of motivation for self benefit, and live life free of the chains which we have created. Come out from under those institutions, which will crumble without the loyal base, so that our motivation can be pure and the outcome might actually be of benefit to someone, and not just self.
To finish on the note of the girl whose tire I changed. While changing her tire I discovered she had probably had too much to drink this evening, and was already lost as her goal was to make it to Thornton; and she had traveled the opposite direction from where she started to get there. So I changed her tire, and a friend of hers showed up, he helped be putting the jack back in the car after I changed the tire... and was there with a supportive hug for her. She thanked me again, he thanked me. She gave me a hug, and on I went to return home to rest for the next day of work.
Sunday evening on my way home from a good friends house there was a car stopped in the middle of Holly, just North of Arapahoe Rd. So naturally I stop next to this car and ask the driver if they need help. She responds back in a confused yes, to which I tell her to pull off at the street which is 30 ft. ahead. She informs me her tire is flat, so I respond that is not a problem, pull off and I'll change it for her. Upon pulling over I get all of the tools necessary and begin to change her tire. She tells me this is huge karma points for me. Now this is not the first time someone has said this to me over the past year or so, so I politely respond with a, "I'm not really sure I believe in karma." To which she says, "Well do unto others then I guess". While I think this is also a good moral thing, I'm not sure that was my motivation either.
See, I think my problem with karma is that fundamentally it's a self serve process. I mean, I guess if your only motivation in life to be a better individual or to care about someone other than self is based upon what you will receive in return, I suppose this is better than being completely self involved and indifferent to others, but I'm not sure by how much. Is it wrong to be a good person or care about others just for the sake of you feel that is important? That maybe it is important to you as an individual to help others in need just because. Why must there always be some other motivation for what we do? I mean it's easy to love and help those who are close to us or we care about, but what about everyone else? I know that if I did not pull over to help change this girls tire that someone else probably would eventually, but thats not the point. Is there any value in aiming to leave a positive impact upon the community (or world even)that we live in for nothing more than to hope that it will influence others in that community to do something of the same? I know that I believe perfect scenarios can not exist because of the corruption of man, and thus easy examples for failures in attempts for greatness can be found in everything from politics, to education, to business and to even some relationships. But really what would be so hard of stopping thinking about ourselves and giving out of the belief that if we can get enough people on board with no self motivated rewards other than making the world they live in a better place that a positive impact can truly be left? And it's not motivated out of bitterness of what was formerly existent, thus no political movement can encompass anything close to this, nor can any institution. Because agendas will always ruin the true deeds of goodness. It is so much more simple than any group can portray. It is at the level of individual hearts not building up in hopes of what is better to come for them. Thus, karma is a terrible idea.
Do something individual, and interact with the world with the goal of nothing more than being of benefit to your surroundings. Kill the theory of motivation for self benefit, and live life free of the chains which we have created. Come out from under those institutions, which will crumble without the loyal base, so that our motivation can be pure and the outcome might actually be of benefit to someone, and not just self.
To finish on the note of the girl whose tire I changed. While changing her tire I discovered she had probably had too much to drink this evening, and was already lost as her goal was to make it to Thornton; and she had traveled the opposite direction from where she started to get there. So I changed her tire, and a friend of hers showed up, he helped be putting the jack back in the car after I changed the tire... and was there with a supportive hug for her. She thanked me again, he thanked me. She gave me a hug, and on I went to return home to rest for the next day of work.
loneliness
"How to fight loneliness, smile all the time."
(2/25) I've seemed to come back to this idea of loneliness quite a bit lately. I am lonely. This isn't a bad thing, it's completely natural, at least based upon how I believe we have been made and interact with the world around us.
Over the past few weeks I've been thinking about my life and where I am at with where I would like to go and things I would like to do. I've been fairly successful in enjoying my time over the past few months. Some days have been better than others, and I have had my share of heartache along the way, but in general life has been just that, life. I'm afraid however that a large number of individual would not be able to say the same confidently. I have met many whom live their lives as if the only thing that matters temporally is to seek happiness, even despite not knowing what truly brings happiness. But if they keep searching and filling maybe something will stick.
While I am uncertain this is the correct way to go about things, at the same time I have had to give some credit to those who are more or less seeking self medication, despite being unaware of this at points. We seem to have an innate desire to live in connection with others around us, with the world around us, and to feel we have a purpose in the midst of all of this. I was recently speaking with a friend about why there is a strong connection of individuals within the 20-30 somethings range, and while I disagreed to some extent I understand and agree with his main points that we all hang around and relate to everything because we are all in the same place of seeking purpose in the world. We have been filed out of our required schooling and now must find our place in the world in which we will hopefully spend the next 30 years or so. So a response of seeking community is completely natural.
I can't say that I am necessarily seeking my purpose in life. While I suppose some could view my life as such, I do believe that I have come to a place a bit more at peace with just being here. However loneliness is still very present.
(3/4) So now, I'm picking up where I left off over a week ago writing this. Much has happened since, everything from the night of starting writing being contacted by someone whom I have not heard from in months and our last conversation was her threatening me with a restraining order. This is another story in and of itself... But somewhere amidst all of the circumstances in my life and the community in which I am surrounded there is still a sense of loneliness. While today taht feeling may strike different than yesterday, or maybe I feel more or less hope from past moments, there is still a longing in my heart for the closeness of others. To be known. To have significance. Ironically while I sit and write this with my music on shuffle the song Everybody's Getting Down by the Incredible Moses Leroy begins to play me with the main catch stating "if everybody knows me then why am I lonely?". Funny how that happens.
(3/17) Well, I've spread this writing out too many weeks to continue on one coherent thought due to the changes in the weather, so I will leave it here. But if nothing more, if any who read this have a similar sense of loneliness in any regard, know that you are not alone. I have found one of the most comforting things in loneliness is to know that I am not the only one who is feeling this way. Even if it really doesn't change the fact that the loneliness still exists, the common bond of hearing others communicate about it is a comfort.
(2/25) I've seemed to come back to this idea of loneliness quite a bit lately. I am lonely. This isn't a bad thing, it's completely natural, at least based upon how I believe we have been made and interact with the world around us.
Over the past few weeks I've been thinking about my life and where I am at with where I would like to go and things I would like to do. I've been fairly successful in enjoying my time over the past few months. Some days have been better than others, and I have had my share of heartache along the way, but in general life has been just that, life. I'm afraid however that a large number of individual would not be able to say the same confidently. I have met many whom live their lives as if the only thing that matters temporally is to seek happiness, even despite not knowing what truly brings happiness. But if they keep searching and filling maybe something will stick.
While I am uncertain this is the correct way to go about things, at the same time I have had to give some credit to those who are more or less seeking self medication, despite being unaware of this at points. We seem to have an innate desire to live in connection with others around us, with the world around us, and to feel we have a purpose in the midst of all of this. I was recently speaking with a friend about why there is a strong connection of individuals within the 20-30 somethings range, and while I disagreed to some extent I understand and agree with his main points that we all hang around and relate to everything because we are all in the same place of seeking purpose in the world. We have been filed out of our required schooling and now must find our place in the world in which we will hopefully spend the next 30 years or so. So a response of seeking community is completely natural.
I can't say that I am necessarily seeking my purpose in life. While I suppose some could view my life as such, I do believe that I have come to a place a bit more at peace with just being here. However loneliness is still very present.
(3/4) So now, I'm picking up where I left off over a week ago writing this. Much has happened since, everything from the night of starting writing being contacted by someone whom I have not heard from in months and our last conversation was her threatening me with a restraining order. This is another story in and of itself... But somewhere amidst all of the circumstances in my life and the community in which I am surrounded there is still a sense of loneliness. While today taht feeling may strike different than yesterday, or maybe I feel more or less hope from past moments, there is still a longing in my heart for the closeness of others. To be known. To have significance. Ironically while I sit and write this with my music on shuffle the song Everybody's Getting Down by the Incredible Moses Leroy begins to play me with the main catch stating "if everybody knows me then why am I lonely?". Funny how that happens.
(3/17) Well, I've spread this writing out too many weeks to continue on one coherent thought due to the changes in the weather, so I will leave it here. But if nothing more, if any who read this have a similar sense of loneliness in any regard, know that you are not alone. I have found one of the most comforting things in loneliness is to know that I am not the only one who is feeling this way. Even if it really doesn't change the fact that the loneliness still exists, the common bond of hearing others communicate about it is a comfort.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
saturday morning
wow, it has really been quite some time since my last post. much has happened in my life since my last writing. consequentially many big life decisions have changed, and to be honest i'm kind of thankful. it's a complicated story, and for multiple reasons i would rather not give any more fuel to a fire which is kept burning in a chaotic manner; thus if you're interested in what happened i would be more than happy to share the story over a cup of tea. with that said, i want to thank anyone who has been involved in my life over the past three years. they were interesting if nothing else. but today i can sit and confidently say that a huge burden and weight was lifted off of me, and thus i can live my life in the manner it was meant to be. at peace with my surroundings, in relationships with people, loving the world in which i live, questioning the powers that be, playing the music that i love, being grateful for what i have.
i have been very busy for the past two month. work never stops. and music is about to pick back up with the triumphant return of our drummer from the jungles of the amazon. there are so many great things on the horizon. i think in the next few months i will be traveling a bit. there is a very good possibility i will be at sxsw this year, followed by a brief stint in los angeles. and then early summer tristan and i will be on tour again. followed by a week or so in san diego leading a group of high school kids for a mission trip (i know mission trip to san diego, must be rough...). there is still the possibility of moving in there at some point to. however, texas is 98% off the list (only a fool is %100). so with all of that said, i look forward to writing again a bit more, and look forward to hearing your input and responses. i hope you are all well, where ever you may be in the world. thank you all for all of your prayers and support over the past months of my life, it has been greatly appreciated.
i have been very busy for the past two month. work never stops. and music is about to pick back up with the triumphant return of our drummer from the jungles of the amazon. there are so many great things on the horizon. i think in the next few months i will be traveling a bit. there is a very good possibility i will be at sxsw this year, followed by a brief stint in los angeles. and then early summer tristan and i will be on tour again. followed by a week or so in san diego leading a group of high school kids for a mission trip (i know mission trip to san diego, must be rough...). there is still the possibility of moving in there at some point to. however, texas is 98% off the list (only a fool is %100). so with all of that said, i look forward to writing again a bit more, and look forward to hearing your input and responses. i hope you are all well, where ever you may be in the world. thank you all for all of your prayers and support over the past months of my life, it has been greatly appreciated.
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