Love

I started this a few days ago, so the time frame reference isn't exactly perfect because last night I was actually sitting on a plane flying back to Denver. And yet again I'm not going to expand any more because I've lost my train of thought, but none the less here are some thoughts I started.

Yesterday evening I spent a great deal of time with some individuals whom I would consider to be very close and whom I love dearly. We spent our evenings reminiscing over various events, which have left us in interesting places over the past year. No tears were brought forth, however it would not have been uncommon based upon how things have been going lately. My time spread me from Hollywood all the way down to Newport Beach. I had only planned on one of those, but at the end of the evening both were welcomed. I suppose part of that comes due to the fact that my time here is very limited and I want to make sure I see everyone I can and share my heart with those whom I have not had the chance in some time outside of the possibilities of e-mail, phone calls, or otherwise.

But in one conversation in particular things started to stand out to me a bit different last night, and with the combination of a Daniel Craig song I’ve been listening to this morning from his accidents e.p., I’ve brought myself to writing again. Many of you know where I have been over the past year, and it has been a difficult place. One in which I know I could not have weathered by myself, and thus I am so grateful for all of you who have been a support in some way. Nonetheless, my point brings me to this, love is an encounter in which it is not terribly hard to give, but is possibly only of value when it is accepted. Last week I had a situation in which I used an analogy with a close friend which I used a dollar bill and my giving it to her as an easy example, and yes I did not come up with this myself however I feel it is a good example thus I used it. I gave here the dollar by holding it in front of her and saying, “I want you to have this.” Slightly confused she took the dollar, and held it in her hand. I asked then whose dollar it was; her response was that it was mine. I happily disagreed, because I had given the dollar to her, and it became hers the moment she accepted it. There was nothing else behind the dollar, nothing she needed to have done in order to get the dollar, just accept. Sometimes I have found that is the hardest part of things in life. Specifically within the area of love, it can be freely given, and meant to the fullest extent, but it is only as good as the person accepting is willing to take.

I went to church on Sunday to a church I have never been before. The pastor was very long winded, and drifted all over the place. However, in his meandering he touched on one point of love (not really having anything to do with his initial point of whether or not we were going to be followers (disciples) of Christ or just the crowd; he specifically was referencing the first verse in the fifth book of Matthew), but he brought up his marriage. He said relationships can not truly be a 50/50 situation where both give 50% creating 100%. Now his point on this topic wandered a bit to, but the thoughts it triggered in me could be relevant. A relationship, or love I suppose, is a give and take situation. It is not a format and is not simple enough to expect that just by being present that a logical balance of both parties giving 50% to equate to a full percentage and a complete relationship. Rather, somedays there is more giving than taking, and others more taking than giving. For a long time I have always felt stronger, or found it easier, to be found on the giving side more frequently. It feels, or has felt possibly, to be a shameful thing to be on the taking side. Because taking equates to selfishness in theory.

Last night as I sat on a jetty somewhere around 47th my dear friend brought up the concept that in a relational aspect he has noticed; girls will be more attracted to him (or guys in general) when the guy ignores them. Specifically, he noted that if they feel the sense that the guy would do anything for them it’s either too good to be true, or that it’s too easy and feels wrong to accept something such as that. And thus while he can live his life fully willing to give he can be overlooked so easily because our culture has built up some belief that this is wrong. Now, not that my point is entirely relational based on the terms of boyfriend/girlfriend, but this explanation seemed to fit with where I was thinking. Also, to finish our conversation we both were in agreement that this interaction seems ridiculous to both of us, and we both feel that relationships would be so much easier without the interference of petty games, which are all based around our feelings of inadequacy.