It's all gonna break.

This is actually my second blog of the day, however you wouldn't know it because I have since deleted the former due to a turn of events in the day. The former was a sharing of a life update and some feelings I had toward the future, and the possibility of moving to another state in following after some things I felt encouraged to in my life. Since this morning much has changed. This is primarily due to a phone conversation shorter than an hour in length. In this conversation it was said to me that if an individual truly wants something they need to step up and go after it. And for the past few months more than ever before I had felt that I had been doing just that. Yet the events that culminated today while I sat on the floor of a closet in the master bedroom of what is to eventually be a home for retired seniors, I was let go of. This came with a whirlwind of emotions due to the closeness of hearts in the months preceding. Yet there is still the peace of what is to come in some ways. And the very thing I had prayed for for so many months still sits inside of me with the feeling of reassurance. To which extent I do not understand. This really leaves an already painful situation with a further blow to which I am uncertain of what to do with next.

It was suggested to me today that if all of my prayers have truly led to reinforcement, that possibly I am in a state where waiting is what I am really supposed to do. This seems odd to me for multiple reasons, primarily due to my feelings that while God does have some sort of a plan to which I can not see nor fully understand, generally I have felt that rather than sitting and waiting on Him to move things we are given opportunities to engage in, which is how his plan fits into the picture. Now I am not foolish enough to claim that I know God's plan is in this or any other situation, but I can say with certainty that over that past months there has been a consistency in emotional reaffirming every time I have asked for something. The most recent of significance was this past Friday. And thus today I am overwhelmed with a sense of sadness.

So now for the second time today I am asking for prayers. But instead of asking for direction and a job in Texas, I ask for prayers of hope and peace. For healing. And for my ability to wait on what is to come.

crap day

I've been finding myself in interesting situations lately. But today is a particularly interesting one. So it's not even lunch yet and already today my schedule has been packed with stuff to do (except now of course since I'm writing this). the true stink of today started about 9:20 when I decided I needed a break and thus I was going to get some food. So I drive over to Goodtimes thinking a tiny burger sounded nice. But I was in a hurry so I had to get there and back relatively quick because I had a safety meeting I had to attend at 9:30. So I arrive at said Goodtimes, and it seems that it might not be open yet, so I drive around the building a little just to see if they had posted hours, but there was nothing posted. However I noticed someone moving inside, so I backed up a little. At this point in time I receive a call on the radio mentioning emergency at work and I need to call an ambulance. So as receiving this message I loose track of the fact I am backing up and end up bumping the building. With my radio still beeping and my boss telling me I need to take care of the situation I decided to leave the scene for the emergency at the site.

I arrive back to the site and encounter said emergency. A delivery guy while unloading his truck had a bit of an unfortunate incident and ultimately broke his hip, but seemed as if he was going to have a heart attack. So I am now on the phone with the paramedic dispatcher trying to explain the situation and the directions for the paramedics to get on to my job site. I have to wait for them, and so in the mean time I call Goodtimes to inform the manager of the situation and that I will return in the next 20-30 minutes. This is all happening while sirens are blaring (this was probably to my benefit in assisting my conversation with the manager about the real emergency I had left for). So then I wait for the paramedics to do there thing, and have a short conversation with the head of the group before they leave my site in pursuit of the nearest hospital.

I now return to Goodtimes, feeling like a complete idiot for backing into their building, but knowing it is the right thing to do to return and fix what I screwed up. So I make it there and meet with John the general manager (very nice fellow). He assures me it's not a big deal and that he is impressed that I called and came back. He understood my reasoning for leaving and probably treated me much better than necessary. The conclusion to which is that he was going to get some price quotes and call me before ever contact my insurance, and that no police would need to be involved. He wanted to make sure that if it was less than my deductible (which judging by my "professional" construction opinion is substantially lower) that I didn't get dinged by my insurance and that I could just pay out of pocket. So while still less than ideal that I screwed up and work has to be done, at least it's not looking terrible.

So then I return back to the site feeling stupid and irresponsible. I haven't ever done anything like this before, and I swear if it wasn't for the bad timing of it all I wouldn't be in the situation I am currently. Beyond which I still have to turn my mail in ballot to the county clerks office before 7pm, meet with my insurance agent at 4pm (completely unrelated to todays incidents, this was actually a postponed meeting from yesterday), run home and clean up, meet up with a coworker who is taking me along with him and his two sons (around my age) to sit in the company box at the pepsi center to see metallica... I know there is more on my plate as well, I just can't recall everything off the top of my head currently. Not to mention the emotional state of life currently. And to top things off even more I just had a delivery truck pull onto my site and hit a parked skidster as he carelessly turned the corner. It's not even lunch time yet. I mean of course things could be much worse, but so far it has been a long start to the morning...

Tropical Fish

So this morning I had to venture over to the doctor's office due to various issues I have been having with my stomach. Which the overall outcome is they are running blood tests and it could be anything from a parasite to prostate cancer, but they're pretty sure it's not cancer either that or I am a really rare young case of it which then I am a scientific phenomenon. Well not really, but that's a good way to lighten the mood. So they drew blood and now my left arm hurts.

But while sitting in the waiting room I noticed something. Why is it that every doctor I think I have ever been to, minus the school doctor, have tropical fish in their waiting room? My doctor today wasn't fortunate enough to have a fish tank, so instead he had pictures of tropical fish (I think this may be due to local building codes which prevent the possession of fish within the building, or maybe he doesn't want to have to clean the tank). Do tropical fish have some sort of mystical power that keeps the ill or otherwise just waiting to be seen patients in good spirits? Do most people like tropical fish? I mean, I'm not really sure what is not to like about colorful fish. And as a good friend pointed out after purchasing many fish himself, they can be entertaining due to each one having their own personalities. This is comical in thinking that fish have personalities, but I learned to accept this concept upon observing White Power Bill and how he interacted with all of the other fish in his tank. And he did live up to his name, despite not being the biggest fish in the tank, he most definitely liked to fluff his feathers and show off his clout.

Either way, the tropical fish, or rather pictures of fish, did me no good today. No conclusions, hurt arm, missing blood and I have to come back on Monday. Where I will observe the same pictures of Lion Fish, Clown Fish and the Purple Fan Coral, and then maybe find out I have a parasite or something worse. It could be better I suppose, maybe I've just been stressed and that's my problem. I don't know what the solution to that might be, but maybe I'll write about it for all of the internet to hear about.

over again

Have you ever cared for someone so much it has at times made you a nervous wreck? Despite prayers upon prayers the feelings are still there. Sometimes there is a peace, and it is a wonderful peace. One that everything is going to work fine. And it will. But here and now things look so chaotic. And this one instance has infiltrated it's way into every aspect of life to where any daily routine can be encountered with the sudden flow of tears. I have not cried much over the past three years, but within the past three months I have made up more ground than most will do in a lifetime I believe. Everything in me is just short of screaming how much I wish of things. Not in a violent manner, but in a fairly calm modus.

Human interactions are so complicated due to a great number of things; but the ultimate complicator is the one thing I have dedicated my life to first and foremost, which is my faith. And so in the midst I cling to faith. Asking for a answer. Hoping for a calm heart. Hoping for a change of heart. Just hoping that the consistent beating won't stop and I will live another day. Even if what to come is another sleepless night.

24 turned 25

Another year has passed. It seems with the passing time that I have only begun to realize how quickly life passes. It was only such a short time ago I was in school and living in Los Angeles. But yet this was over a year ago. I hope that in this coming year there will be more hope and encouragement. I am not sure where I will be in the next year, but I trust that where ever I may be I will have something to reflect upon and be grateful for. Thank you for being a part of my life.

andrew