I started this a few days ago, so the time frame reference isn't exactly perfect because last night I was actually sitting on a plane flying back to Denver. And yet again I'm not going to expand any more because I've lost my train of thought, but none the less here are some thoughts I started.
Yesterday evening I spent a great deal of time with some individuals whom I would consider to be very close and whom I love dearly. We spent our evenings reminiscing over various events, which have left us in interesting places over the past year. No tears were brought forth, however it would not have been uncommon based upon how things have been going lately. My time spread me from Hollywood all the way down to Newport Beach. I had only planned on one of those, but at the end of the evening both were welcomed. I suppose part of that comes due to the fact that my time here is very limited and I want to make sure I see everyone I can and share my heart with those whom I have not had the chance in some time outside of the possibilities of e-mail, phone calls, or otherwise.
But in one conversation in particular things started to stand out to me a bit different last night, and with the combination of a Daniel Craig song I’ve been listening to this morning from his accidents e.p., I’ve brought myself to writing again. Many of you know where I have been over the past year, and it has been a difficult place. One in which I know I could not have weathered by myself, and thus I am so grateful for all of you who have been a support in some way. Nonetheless, my point brings me to this, love is an encounter in which it is not terribly hard to give, but is possibly only of value when it is accepted. Last week I had a situation in which I used an analogy with a close friend which I used a dollar bill and my giving it to her as an easy example, and yes I did not come up with this myself however I feel it is a good example thus I used it. I gave here the dollar by holding it in front of her and saying, “I want you to have this.” Slightly confused she took the dollar, and held it in her hand. I asked then whose dollar it was; her response was that it was mine. I happily disagreed, because I had given the dollar to her, and it became hers the moment she accepted it. There was nothing else behind the dollar, nothing she needed to have done in order to get the dollar, just accept. Sometimes I have found that is the hardest part of things in life. Specifically within the area of love, it can be freely given, and meant to the fullest extent, but it is only as good as the person accepting is willing to take.
I went to church on Sunday to a church I have never been before. The pastor was very long winded, and drifted all over the place. However, in his meandering he touched on one point of love (not really having anything to do with his initial point of whether or not we were going to be followers (disciples) of Christ or just the crowd; he specifically was referencing the first verse in the fifth book of Matthew), but he brought up his marriage. He said relationships can not truly be a 50/50 situation where both give 50% creating 100%. Now his point on this topic wandered a bit to, but the thoughts it triggered in me could be relevant. A relationship, or love I suppose, is a give and take situation. It is not a format and is not simple enough to expect that just by being present that a logical balance of both parties giving 50% to equate to a full percentage and a complete relationship. Rather, somedays there is more giving than taking, and others more taking than giving. For a long time I have always felt stronger, or found it easier, to be found on the giving side more frequently. It feels, or has felt possibly, to be a shameful thing to be on the taking side. Because taking equates to selfishness in theory.
Last night as I sat on a jetty somewhere around 47th my dear friend brought up the concept that in a relational aspect he has noticed; girls will be more attracted to him (or guys in general) when the guy ignores them. Specifically, he noted that if they feel the sense that the guy would do anything for them it’s either too good to be true, or that it’s too easy and feels wrong to accept something such as that. And thus while he can live his life fully willing to give he can be overlooked so easily because our culture has built up some belief that this is wrong. Now, not that my point is entirely relational based on the terms of boyfriend/girlfriend, but this explanation seemed to fit with where I was thinking. Also, to finish our conversation we both were in agreement that this interaction seems ridiculous to both of us, and we both feel that relationships would be so much easier without the interference of petty games, which are all based around our feelings of inadequacy.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
the breakdown of communication
I really don't have much time to write but this subject has been on my mind quite a bit today. I believe that one of the largest problems I have found in my life and many others whom I have had close interactions with is the issue of communication. It seems to me that we all have the ability for good clear communication, however we all seem to miss things here and there which ultimately cause quite the ordeal of issues.
Recently in my life I have had a situation which I truly believe would have ended much different if the other individual and I had better communicated. Meaning that I understood what they wanted and needed, and they understood the same of me. I think this might just be one of the keys to life... If others don't know or can't understand what is going on inside of our hearts and heads then of course things will eventually break down. This applies to so many different aspects of life as well, from a simple relational level, to interpersonal, and even occupational.
I was having a conversation today with a friend which triggered the thoughts in me of what is normal for me is not necessarily normal for someone else, and thus it is a great misdeed of ours to assume or hold everyone to the exact same standard without explanation or questions. Because while it may not make sense to me why someone is interacting with me a certain way, but if I talk to them there is a good chance that they can't understand why I am not tracking the same way. very frequently in my life over the past few weeks I have had multiple individuals talk to me in reference to various subjects where they have spoken with great passion and feeling towards how they "know" things are a certain way. And thus for them to interpret the situation in any other manner than what they already have is absurd, because they already know the answer according to their logic. Which of course to them is true, because it is connected to what they believe. Belief is a situation in which we have placed our value in something or someone to the extent where we don't need to necessarily have to question any longer because we have made it a part of how we live. And frankly put, if we didn't feel certain about our beliefs, we would most likely find a new one. Thus in a situation in which we have already determined the outcome due to our belief, whether correct or not (despite the fact that I personally feel just about everything in life is relative...), we have done nothing but close the door in some regards to communication.
Now I'm not sure if the correct response is tolerance, as many have argued that tolerance is a form of losing ones beliefs and thus opening Pandora's box by the universalism of saying do whatever makes one happy. Not that this is really all that different from how most individuals live already, but rather it would break down their believe that the way they live is far superior to others. So that is a separate issue all together. But, regardless of what one's belief is, without a good base of communication failure is almost inevitable.
So today I have decided to continue in my journey in which I hope deeply I will communicate in the best possible manner I can with everyone in my life. To me this equates to not simply a transparency of who I am and what I believe, but also the vulnerability enough to open who I am to each individual who values me enough to either seek that out from me or those who are simply willing to share this time and space with me. If you are someone I have entrusted please know that you are deeply values and I hope that our communication continues to grow. Blessings.
Recently in my life I have had a situation which I truly believe would have ended much different if the other individual and I had better communicated. Meaning that I understood what they wanted and needed, and they understood the same of me. I think this might just be one of the keys to life... If others don't know or can't understand what is going on inside of our hearts and heads then of course things will eventually break down. This applies to so many different aspects of life as well, from a simple relational level, to interpersonal, and even occupational.
I was having a conversation today with a friend which triggered the thoughts in me of what is normal for me is not necessarily normal for someone else, and thus it is a great misdeed of ours to assume or hold everyone to the exact same standard without explanation or questions. Because while it may not make sense to me why someone is interacting with me a certain way, but if I talk to them there is a good chance that they can't understand why I am not tracking the same way. very frequently in my life over the past few weeks I have had multiple individuals talk to me in reference to various subjects where they have spoken with great passion and feeling towards how they "know" things are a certain way. And thus for them to interpret the situation in any other manner than what they already have is absurd, because they already know the answer according to their logic. Which of course to them is true, because it is connected to what they believe. Belief is a situation in which we have placed our value in something or someone to the extent where we don't need to necessarily have to question any longer because we have made it a part of how we live. And frankly put, if we didn't feel certain about our beliefs, we would most likely find a new one. Thus in a situation in which we have already determined the outcome due to our belief, whether correct or not (despite the fact that I personally feel just about everything in life is relative...), we have done nothing but close the door in some regards to communication.
Now I'm not sure if the correct response is tolerance, as many have argued that tolerance is a form of losing ones beliefs and thus opening Pandora's box by the universalism of saying do whatever makes one happy. Not that this is really all that different from how most individuals live already, but rather it would break down their believe that the way they live is far superior to others. So that is a separate issue all together. But, regardless of what one's belief is, without a good base of communication failure is almost inevitable.
So today I have decided to continue in my journey in which I hope deeply I will communicate in the best possible manner I can with everyone in my life. To me this equates to not simply a transparency of who I am and what I believe, but also the vulnerability enough to open who I am to each individual who values me enough to either seek that out from me or those who are simply willing to share this time and space with me. If you are someone I have entrusted please know that you are deeply values and I hope that our communication continues to grow. Blessings.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Karma
I've determined I think karma is a terrible idea. This has been another one of my long standing but recently reflected upon beliefs which is now being fleshed out in writing.
Sunday evening on my way home from a good friends house there was a car stopped in the middle of Holly, just North of Arapahoe Rd. So naturally I stop next to this car and ask the driver if they need help. She responds back in a confused yes, to which I tell her to pull off at the street which is 30 ft. ahead. She informs me her tire is flat, so I respond that is not a problem, pull off and I'll change it for her. Upon pulling over I get all of the tools necessary and begin to change her tire. She tells me this is huge karma points for me. Now this is not the first time someone has said this to me over the past year or so, so I politely respond with a, "I'm not really sure I believe in karma." To which she says, "Well do unto others then I guess". While I think this is also a good moral thing, I'm not sure that was my motivation either.
See, I think my problem with karma is that fundamentally it's a self serve process. I mean, I guess if your only motivation in life to be a better individual or to care about someone other than self is based upon what you will receive in return, I suppose this is better than being completely self involved and indifferent to others, but I'm not sure by how much. Is it wrong to be a good person or care about others just for the sake of you feel that is important? That maybe it is important to you as an individual to help others in need just because. Why must there always be some other motivation for what we do? I mean it's easy to love and help those who are close to us or we care about, but what about everyone else? I know that if I did not pull over to help change this girls tire that someone else probably would eventually, but thats not the point. Is there any value in aiming to leave a positive impact upon the community (or world even)that we live in for nothing more than to hope that it will influence others in that community to do something of the same? I know that I believe perfect scenarios can not exist because of the corruption of man, and thus easy examples for failures in attempts for greatness can be found in everything from politics, to education, to business and to even some relationships. But really what would be so hard of stopping thinking about ourselves and giving out of the belief that if we can get enough people on board with no self motivated rewards other than making the world they live in a better place that a positive impact can truly be left? And it's not motivated out of bitterness of what was formerly existent, thus no political movement can encompass anything close to this, nor can any institution. Because agendas will always ruin the true deeds of goodness. It is so much more simple than any group can portray. It is at the level of individual hearts not building up in hopes of what is better to come for them. Thus, karma is a terrible idea.
Do something individual, and interact with the world with the goal of nothing more than being of benefit to your surroundings. Kill the theory of motivation for self benefit, and live life free of the chains which we have created. Come out from under those institutions, which will crumble without the loyal base, so that our motivation can be pure and the outcome might actually be of benefit to someone, and not just self.
To finish on the note of the girl whose tire I changed. While changing her tire I discovered she had probably had too much to drink this evening, and was already lost as her goal was to make it to Thornton; and she had traveled the opposite direction from where she started to get there. So I changed her tire, and a friend of hers showed up, he helped be putting the jack back in the car after I changed the tire... and was there with a supportive hug for her. She thanked me again, he thanked me. She gave me a hug, and on I went to return home to rest for the next day of work.
Sunday evening on my way home from a good friends house there was a car stopped in the middle of Holly, just North of Arapahoe Rd. So naturally I stop next to this car and ask the driver if they need help. She responds back in a confused yes, to which I tell her to pull off at the street which is 30 ft. ahead. She informs me her tire is flat, so I respond that is not a problem, pull off and I'll change it for her. Upon pulling over I get all of the tools necessary and begin to change her tire. She tells me this is huge karma points for me. Now this is not the first time someone has said this to me over the past year or so, so I politely respond with a, "I'm not really sure I believe in karma." To which she says, "Well do unto others then I guess". While I think this is also a good moral thing, I'm not sure that was my motivation either.
See, I think my problem with karma is that fundamentally it's a self serve process. I mean, I guess if your only motivation in life to be a better individual or to care about someone other than self is based upon what you will receive in return, I suppose this is better than being completely self involved and indifferent to others, but I'm not sure by how much. Is it wrong to be a good person or care about others just for the sake of you feel that is important? That maybe it is important to you as an individual to help others in need just because. Why must there always be some other motivation for what we do? I mean it's easy to love and help those who are close to us or we care about, but what about everyone else? I know that if I did not pull over to help change this girls tire that someone else probably would eventually, but thats not the point. Is there any value in aiming to leave a positive impact upon the community (or world even)that we live in for nothing more than to hope that it will influence others in that community to do something of the same? I know that I believe perfect scenarios can not exist because of the corruption of man, and thus easy examples for failures in attempts for greatness can be found in everything from politics, to education, to business and to even some relationships. But really what would be so hard of stopping thinking about ourselves and giving out of the belief that if we can get enough people on board with no self motivated rewards other than making the world they live in a better place that a positive impact can truly be left? And it's not motivated out of bitterness of what was formerly existent, thus no political movement can encompass anything close to this, nor can any institution. Because agendas will always ruin the true deeds of goodness. It is so much more simple than any group can portray. It is at the level of individual hearts not building up in hopes of what is better to come for them. Thus, karma is a terrible idea.
Do something individual, and interact with the world with the goal of nothing more than being of benefit to your surroundings. Kill the theory of motivation for self benefit, and live life free of the chains which we have created. Come out from under those institutions, which will crumble without the loyal base, so that our motivation can be pure and the outcome might actually be of benefit to someone, and not just self.
To finish on the note of the girl whose tire I changed. While changing her tire I discovered she had probably had too much to drink this evening, and was already lost as her goal was to make it to Thornton; and she had traveled the opposite direction from where she started to get there. So I changed her tire, and a friend of hers showed up, he helped be putting the jack back in the car after I changed the tire... and was there with a supportive hug for her. She thanked me again, he thanked me. She gave me a hug, and on I went to return home to rest for the next day of work.
loneliness
"How to fight loneliness, smile all the time."
(2/25) I've seemed to come back to this idea of loneliness quite a bit lately. I am lonely. This isn't a bad thing, it's completely natural, at least based upon how I believe we have been made and interact with the world around us.
Over the past few weeks I've been thinking about my life and where I am at with where I would like to go and things I would like to do. I've been fairly successful in enjoying my time over the past few months. Some days have been better than others, and I have had my share of heartache along the way, but in general life has been just that, life. I'm afraid however that a large number of individual would not be able to say the same confidently. I have met many whom live their lives as if the only thing that matters temporally is to seek happiness, even despite not knowing what truly brings happiness. But if they keep searching and filling maybe something will stick.
While I am uncertain this is the correct way to go about things, at the same time I have had to give some credit to those who are more or less seeking self medication, despite being unaware of this at points. We seem to have an innate desire to live in connection with others around us, with the world around us, and to feel we have a purpose in the midst of all of this. I was recently speaking with a friend about why there is a strong connection of individuals within the 20-30 somethings range, and while I disagreed to some extent I understand and agree with his main points that we all hang around and relate to everything because we are all in the same place of seeking purpose in the world. We have been filed out of our required schooling and now must find our place in the world in which we will hopefully spend the next 30 years or so. So a response of seeking community is completely natural.
I can't say that I am necessarily seeking my purpose in life. While I suppose some could view my life as such, I do believe that I have come to a place a bit more at peace with just being here. However loneliness is still very present.
(3/4) So now, I'm picking up where I left off over a week ago writing this. Much has happened since, everything from the night of starting writing being contacted by someone whom I have not heard from in months and our last conversation was her threatening me with a restraining order. This is another story in and of itself... But somewhere amidst all of the circumstances in my life and the community in which I am surrounded there is still a sense of loneliness. While today taht feeling may strike different than yesterday, or maybe I feel more or less hope from past moments, there is still a longing in my heart for the closeness of others. To be known. To have significance. Ironically while I sit and write this with my music on shuffle the song Everybody's Getting Down by the Incredible Moses Leroy begins to play me with the main catch stating "if everybody knows me then why am I lonely?". Funny how that happens.
(3/17) Well, I've spread this writing out too many weeks to continue on one coherent thought due to the changes in the weather, so I will leave it here. But if nothing more, if any who read this have a similar sense of loneliness in any regard, know that you are not alone. I have found one of the most comforting things in loneliness is to know that I am not the only one who is feeling this way. Even if it really doesn't change the fact that the loneliness still exists, the common bond of hearing others communicate about it is a comfort.
(2/25) I've seemed to come back to this idea of loneliness quite a bit lately. I am lonely. This isn't a bad thing, it's completely natural, at least based upon how I believe we have been made and interact with the world around us.
Over the past few weeks I've been thinking about my life and where I am at with where I would like to go and things I would like to do. I've been fairly successful in enjoying my time over the past few months. Some days have been better than others, and I have had my share of heartache along the way, but in general life has been just that, life. I'm afraid however that a large number of individual would not be able to say the same confidently. I have met many whom live their lives as if the only thing that matters temporally is to seek happiness, even despite not knowing what truly brings happiness. But if they keep searching and filling maybe something will stick.
While I am uncertain this is the correct way to go about things, at the same time I have had to give some credit to those who are more or less seeking self medication, despite being unaware of this at points. We seem to have an innate desire to live in connection with others around us, with the world around us, and to feel we have a purpose in the midst of all of this. I was recently speaking with a friend about why there is a strong connection of individuals within the 20-30 somethings range, and while I disagreed to some extent I understand and agree with his main points that we all hang around and relate to everything because we are all in the same place of seeking purpose in the world. We have been filed out of our required schooling and now must find our place in the world in which we will hopefully spend the next 30 years or so. So a response of seeking community is completely natural.
I can't say that I am necessarily seeking my purpose in life. While I suppose some could view my life as such, I do believe that I have come to a place a bit more at peace with just being here. However loneliness is still very present.
(3/4) So now, I'm picking up where I left off over a week ago writing this. Much has happened since, everything from the night of starting writing being contacted by someone whom I have not heard from in months and our last conversation was her threatening me with a restraining order. This is another story in and of itself... But somewhere amidst all of the circumstances in my life and the community in which I am surrounded there is still a sense of loneliness. While today taht feeling may strike different than yesterday, or maybe I feel more or less hope from past moments, there is still a longing in my heart for the closeness of others. To be known. To have significance. Ironically while I sit and write this with my music on shuffle the song Everybody's Getting Down by the Incredible Moses Leroy begins to play me with the main catch stating "if everybody knows me then why am I lonely?". Funny how that happens.
(3/17) Well, I've spread this writing out too many weeks to continue on one coherent thought due to the changes in the weather, so I will leave it here. But if nothing more, if any who read this have a similar sense of loneliness in any regard, know that you are not alone. I have found one of the most comforting things in loneliness is to know that I am not the only one who is feeling this way. Even if it really doesn't change the fact that the loneliness still exists, the common bond of hearing others communicate about it is a comfort.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
saturday morning
wow, it has really been quite some time since my last post. much has happened in my life since my last writing. consequentially many big life decisions have changed, and to be honest i'm kind of thankful. it's a complicated story, and for multiple reasons i would rather not give any more fuel to a fire which is kept burning in a chaotic manner; thus if you're interested in what happened i would be more than happy to share the story over a cup of tea. with that said, i want to thank anyone who has been involved in my life over the past three years. they were interesting if nothing else. but today i can sit and confidently say that a huge burden and weight was lifted off of me, and thus i can live my life in the manner it was meant to be. at peace with my surroundings, in relationships with people, loving the world in which i live, questioning the powers that be, playing the music that i love, being grateful for what i have.
i have been very busy for the past two month. work never stops. and music is about to pick back up with the triumphant return of our drummer from the jungles of the amazon. there are so many great things on the horizon. i think in the next few months i will be traveling a bit. there is a very good possibility i will be at sxsw this year, followed by a brief stint in los angeles. and then early summer tristan and i will be on tour again. followed by a week or so in san diego leading a group of high school kids for a mission trip (i know mission trip to san diego, must be rough...). there is still the possibility of moving in there at some point to. however, texas is 98% off the list (only a fool is %100). so with all of that said, i look forward to writing again a bit more, and look forward to hearing your input and responses. i hope you are all well, where ever you may be in the world. thank you all for all of your prayers and support over the past months of my life, it has been greatly appreciated.
i have been very busy for the past two month. work never stops. and music is about to pick back up with the triumphant return of our drummer from the jungles of the amazon. there are so many great things on the horizon. i think in the next few months i will be traveling a bit. there is a very good possibility i will be at sxsw this year, followed by a brief stint in los angeles. and then early summer tristan and i will be on tour again. followed by a week or so in san diego leading a group of high school kids for a mission trip (i know mission trip to san diego, must be rough...). there is still the possibility of moving in there at some point to. however, texas is 98% off the list (only a fool is %100). so with all of that said, i look forward to writing again a bit more, and look forward to hearing your input and responses. i hope you are all well, where ever you may be in the world. thank you all for all of your prayers and support over the past months of my life, it has been greatly appreciated.
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