another short thought (which after starting changed directions into a longer thought); or, will work for love advice

recently i have started dating, which in truth is some sort of social experiment for me. this has been a very interesting time for me, as many of you know i seem to tense up a bit around new interests and feel like i act like a complete fool. and i probably do. but what i've noticed, and a friend brought up today, is that i am too nice. and it might come off creepy, or if nothing else unusual.

i wrote on being nice, or striving to be, a few months ago, but it seems to have come up in a new arena of life. it's such a funny thing, well rather awkward i suppose. i've gone out with these girls, and have liked one in particular, and i'm pretty sure through my being nice and maybe feeling self conscious, i'm pretty sure she's lost interest. or maybe it's all in my head. it has been quite some time since i really had interest in someone, and let's be honest, i'm still semi-recovering from one major event which i continued to allow myself to take abuse from for two years post. and the truth is i don't want that any more. today i've sat here, probably not the best thing, but i've sat here drinking beer from the left over keg from our party, and feeling rather sad bastardy. granted there is more at play than just this female situation, but none the less it's a part and on my mind currently.

recently i was listening to caedmons call, specifically one song off long line of leavers, and there is this line in the song that says i will work for love advice, followed by i will mow your lawn if you tell me what i'm doing wrong. lately i've felt this a bit. i met this super awesome girl right, and i can't seem to figure out how to keep her attention. or at least i feel this way. maybe she really is into me, and i'm just missing it. i mean, we've gone out 3 times now, and today she came by to drop off my motorcycle helmet (I drove her home last night on the bike). but after i dropped her off last night i just felt stupid. and pathetic stupid really, i had tears welling up. while on my motorcycle, on my 10 minute ride home at 1:30 am. maybe i'm just not ready for this, but at the same time i feel i am. i am in a place in life where, despite these writings, i've been really happy. life is good, work is work, friends are great, all of the usual things i write about in the positive are still great. so i'm stuck.

at the same time i have dear friends who always tell me how amazing i am, which feels very unusual to have friends tell you this, rather embarrassing truthfully, and upon the discussion of my "love life" or what have you they can't understand. nor can i. maybe it's really that i just long for deep connections with others, and currently i'm lacking in this area regardless of whether it may be romantic or otherwise. maybe i'm just bored. either way i know for certain that i'm less than thrilled with feeling the way i've been throughout today. so this is th point that i ask for your advice and you email it to me. you can give me your theories, thoughts, suggestions, and otherwise, and maybe i'll take it as another social experiment and report back with progress.