a new hope

sunday morning

2010-08-08T08:13:00.004-06:00

it is sunday morning, and it's only 8:15 in the morning. but i have now woken up three times, and decided i want to be relatively productive. so here i am. writing. you may have noticed i am wearing the same shirt as a few days ago. this is a fact. sometimes when i wake up in the morning, i will reach for a near by shirt or shorts and so it is not uncommon to see me wearing similar outfits on following days. also, this morning my light grey v-neck shirt looked far too comfortable to not wear (my andy iron board shorts had a similar appeal). so that is my outfit. my location as you ma have guessed is out of doors. my front balcony actually. i feel like this is going to be a great thinking place for me for years to come. all of this to say that i feel today should be a great day.

i think shortly i will fix up a little breakfast, read a book, think about the future and the past, and feel pleasant about my life. i know it's a bit odd ending so abruptly, especially because i feel quite inspired today, but i feel this inspiration is within different realms and writing about it currently is not likely to go anywhere. so with that i hope everyone else's sunday morning is warm, pleasant, peaceful, and encouraging. i will write to you soon.

blew it

2010-08-07T16:22:00.002-06:00

as you may have noticed i missed my first day yesterday. between a crazy work schedule, and previously made plans i just couldn't find the time to write. turns out it's fairly difficult to dedicate an allotted amount of time for writing each day. guess that's just something i'll have to work on. on other notes, today i installed a ceiling fan in my room, which currently is amazing. i still have three more to go for the up stairs, and a bit more re-wiring. the lovely thing about these old houses is that electrically they are absolutely atrocious. i spent more time today re-wiring and coming up with a plan to not completely re-wire everything, but scab in bits and pieces which will allow me to continue to re-wire as i go. electronics are a simple yet complex thing all in the same stroke.

as i write all of this it has come to my attention that i am being pulled away to go over to a friends house in celebration of another dear friends returning to colorado. so with that i will have to save my thoughts for you until tomorrow. there are great things on the horizon.

late, but still made it

2010-08-05T22:58:00.005-06:00

so i bet you thought i forgot, since this is coming in so late. but the truth is i did not, i had other engagements which i committed to. specifically judging another fellow for a friend of mine. he was ok i suppose. i won't give any other suggestions, since he could probably beat me up, but none the less here it is.

i went out with my friend since middle school (tarah) tonight, to meet her friend john. he may or may not be an interest of hers (it's complicated). either way, i got home from work, helped john (next door neighbor) move an organ, came to my place, showed john (neighbor) some stuff him and his wife (kim) could potentially use for their dj'ing night at the squire lounge, then changed clothes and went to john's (tarah's friend) house to enjoy beer and conversation. thats how this ended up late at night.

so today i have very little to write about. work was hell today. tomorrow looks to be the same, but maybe i'll take a break to go to starbucks, and write something inspirational to all. other than that, i hope this thursday was lovely for the rest of you.

love,
andrew

2010-08-04T18:29:00.002-06:00

day two of this experiment. today was a long day at work, where i forgot to bring my power chord for my computer, and consequentially didn't accomplish as much as i would have liked to, but i'm still alive so i suppose that is a good thing.

at lunch today i went to bennet's bbq again, and i've determined i don't really like bennet's. their bbq isn't very good, plain and simple. but while i was there i started to write up a list of things i would like to write about this month. so i was fairly productive. not only did i do that, but i began to sketch out some thoughts as to what i believe will help me in writing and playing music a bit more in the upcoming future. this is good since last night i busted out the rhodes and poland to begin brainstorming some new creations. that was fun.

so on to what i wanted to write about today. my recent clothing purchases. i don't have much time to write since i need to learn four new songs in the next hour for band practice tonight, thus clothing purchases is the only logical thing to write about.

last night i purchased some new clothes. really, other than the pair of converses i recently purchased via ebay and the new package of underwear from target, i haven't bought anything since before my accident. in fact, i purchased a sweater that was cut off of me the night of the accident just weeks prior to ending up in the hospital. so i was bummed about that, because it was a neat sweater. but yesterday a friend alerted me that the website from which i purchased said sweater was having a huge sale. she wasn't kidding. so i looked around on this primarily female targeted website, and found a few things. all very hipster looking. but all fairly nice. so i ended up getting two coats, a sweater and a cardigan. huge day for me. but with everything at $10 or less how could i say no? the problem that arises after purchasing new things is that i now have more things. and i'm not really all that good at getting rid of the old things. i figure most people wouldn't want my old things, and i don't want to throw them away, plus maybe i'll come to a place where i might need said old things and they will become useful again. i'm not really one to keep up with fashions and trends, so thats not a huge deal, but i suspect it is nice to wear something new instead of that same t-shirt i've been wearing since high school... (i say t-shirt singular as if there is only one instance of this... there may be more in the upwards of 25-40. not just t-shirts either, i wear shoes into the ground and still have some from high school (i still own and sometimes wear my beloved orange nikes), i've had some pants for 10+ years, collard shirts sure i still have em, lets not even talk about underwear (i'm changing them out, last real purchase on this before three weeks ago was over seven years)). all of this to say, yesterday was a big day. come this fall you might see me around and say to yourself, the individual next to you, or even to me, "hey, he's(you're) lookin quite hip there young fellow. i bet he(you) would like a high five." and the answer to that is absolutely.

but for now, until the mail shows up and the weather cools off, i'm gonna stick with what i've got. i mean, it hasn't failed me yet. well, not in a major way at least. there was a time once before a concert in ft. collins i had to make a last minute trip to the arc to buy a new pair of jeans after a mid day show ended with a blow out in the crotch of the jeans i was currently wearing. further on this incident, those were my favorite pair of levi's at the time. sad day. but while at the thrift store i found another pair of the exact same levi's, tried them on only to notice they too had a blown out crotch, so it was a defect in that styling. at least they almost lasted about a year. rest in piece black/grey levi's style 527.

well, enough talk of clothing articles. that is all for day two. off to practice.

start the ball rolling

2010-08-03T17:41:00.004-06:00

today while at work i determined a few nice things about my life right now. i'll share them with you now.

so lately a lot has been happening in my life as many of you know. one event in particular this weekend i had another house party. i have really enjoyed these, and really hope to continue to hold them. granted there are all sorts of tales from this party, as there always are, but one conversation post party brought me to thinking. a dear friend mentioned that he was really proud of me, and quite happy, with the fact that i bought a house with the intentions of using it as a gathering place for music, friends, and community in general. and i have accomplished this. not only have i succeeded in using my house to the exact purpose i desired, but i've also been hitting on all areas of my life doing exactly what i want to be doing. my band is playing the best music we've ever performed, i'm reading quite a bit, i just met the girl of my dreams, i'm working on my house transforming it into what i want, work is going well and i'm actually supposed to be getting a raise in the coming weeks, i'm listening to the music i want to and becoming more and more inspired, beginning to formulate my thoughts for writing and plan on starting this soon. so of course with my hopes for writing more i have decided to come back to this old stand-by and begin to share my thoughts on life and experiences i am currently having.

my hopes are to track this daily for 30 days and go from there. throughout this process i will take a daily picture of myself to keep record of where i have been physically, and to maybe give some sort of context to what is going on. maybe i will expand more on this in the upcoming posts, i don't know right now, but none the less this is my plan. if you catch me slacking, call me out on it. i have so many ideas to write upon, and i'm gonna post little stickies on my computer and try and tackle one a day. it's gonna be sweet. hope you're as excited as i am.

bobo

2010-07-28T08:48:00.003-06:00

if there was ever any question regarding the popularity of dressing in a gorilla suit and walking the streets, let me assure you, you will become the most popular gorilla suit dressed individual at that point in time. most likely you'll make it in the paper. thus gaining you instant friends, thousands of high fives, and molestation by 60+ year old black ladies.

not much worth while to say

2010-07-13T17:45:00.001-06:00

after much debate and such, i suppose other events may have occurred as well, i've decided to try and write songs again. i thought someone might want to know.

another short thought (which after starting changed directions into a longer thought); or, will work for love advice

2010-07-03T14:13:00.004-06:00

recently i have started dating, which in truth is some sort of social experiment for me. this has been a very interesting time for me, as many of you know i seem to tense up a bit around new interests and feel like i act like a complete fool. and i probably do. but what i've noticed, and a friend brought up today, is that i am too nice. and it might come off creepy, or if nothing else unusual.

i wrote on being nice, or striving to be, a few months ago, but it seems to have come up in a new arena of life. it's such a funny thing, well rather awkward i suppose. i've gone out with these girls, and have liked one in particular, and i'm pretty sure through my being nice and maybe feeling self conscious, i'm pretty sure she's lost interest. or maybe it's all in my head. it has been quite some time since i really had interest in someone, and let's be honest, i'm still semi-recovering from one major event which i continued to allow myself to take abuse from for two years post. and the truth is i don't want that any more. today i've sat here, probably not the best thing, but i've sat here drinking beer from the left over keg from our party, and feeling rather sad bastardy. granted there is more at play than just this female situation, but none the less it's a part and on my mind currently.

recently i was listening to caedmons call, specifically one song off long line of leavers, and there is this line in the song that says i will work for love advice, followed by i will mow your lawn if you tell me what i'm doing wrong. lately i've felt this a bit. i met this super awesome girl right, and i can't seem to figure out how to keep her attention. or at least i feel this way. maybe she really is into me, and i'm just missing it. i mean, we've gone out 3 times now, and today she came by to drop off my motorcycle helmet (I drove her home last night on the bike). but after i dropped her off last night i just felt stupid. and pathetic stupid really, i had tears welling up. while on my motorcycle, on my 10 minute ride home at 1:30 am. maybe i'm just not ready for this, but at the same time i feel i am. i am in a place in life where, despite these writings, i've been really happy. life is good, work is work, friends are great, all of the usual things i write about in the positive are still great. so i'm stuck.

at the same time i have dear friends who always tell me how amazing i am, which feels very unusual to have friends tell you this, rather embarrassing truthfully, and upon the discussion of my "love life" or what have you they can't understand. nor can i. maybe it's really that i just long for deep connections with others, and currently i'm lacking in this area regardless of whether it may be romantic or otherwise. maybe i'm just bored. either way i know for certain that i'm less than thrilled with feeling the way i've been throughout today. so this is th point that i ask for your advice and you email it to me. you can give me your theories, thoughts, suggestions, and otherwise, and maybe i'll take it as another social experiment and report back with progress.

still kickin

2010-05-18T07:51:00.003-06:00

well, today i am sitting in a panera bread, remembering yet again that i have not updated this near enough... so here is a simple run down of life over the past months. lost my job in jan, hired with a new company in feb, started working night shifts (not recommended), found a new drummer for th 4h, he moved here beginning of april, worked on the house a bit, in a motorcycle accident, recovered from motorcycle accident, night shifts finish back to normal hours, start playing shows with 4h, house party with friends, almost went to texas (again), enjoy the weather and feel quite optimistic about life.

so there you have it. yes, i am aware there is one pretty traumatic event which occurred which many of you may not know about yet. i am alright, really. although i do have quite the scar to show from it. but it makes for a good story, or at least it helps facilitate good made up stories. so far i've stuck to saving children from mountain lions, and as of this weekend bears were involved. in reality it has been suggested i fall into one of two categories, either a. really lucky or b. someone is looking out for me. my neck was cut pretty badly and i had more stitches than anyone i've ever met before. the laceration starts around my right collar bone/trachea and makes it's way up to my left ear(ish). however, the incredible part is that the wound jumps over a very important part of my body, which is the main artery in my neck. also, it was suggested by doc's, paramedics and nurses that if i hadn't been wearing my helmet i would not have made it, and that i was lucky (this is gonna get a little gross, sorry) i was not decapitated. so, something greater was working that night. no broken bones, and i walked (relatively) out of the hospital the next day. so that's that.

well, we are on the verge of summer here in colorado, and the weather could not be more encouraging to the beginning of something great! after this past weekend i have determined this has the potential to be the best summer i've experienced in a long time. great friends, great house, great music, amazing weather, incredible state, and the best dog anyone could ever own will be moving in with me soon (upon the installation of the back fence). so really, life is grand.

life turns

2010-01-19T12:21:00.002-07:00

somethings are not really all that well explained. such things as to why my life has come to where it is today. i recently lost my job, which has lead me to a bit of free time. lots of sitting, listening to music, thinking, and other things which might normally come with such great amounts of time. i've spent a bit of this time with a few individuals who have reminded me of where i came from. who i was years ago. and i've missed much of that. when did i allow life to get so complicated? when did everything in the world become so uptight and disinterested in anything but their own satisfaction? when did my heart become afraid to be me? it never fully disappeared, but it's as if i went into hiding with this new discovery of the world. as though life previously wasn't good. while i've grown in my understanding of how i believe things should interact, this really shouldn't have changed the root of my hopes for life. it's time for a bit of change i suppose.

news

2009-12-04T18:38:00.001-07:00

about ten minutes ago i dosed off while playing guitar (yes it's been a long week). i awoke to a loud thump and a "ahhhh". i go look out the back of the house thinking it might be a room mate moving in who dropped something at while trying to open the door, but nothing. so i go to the front. open the door, and see my recycling bin has arrived, but this could not have been the clatter which i heard. suddenly my focus goes straight to 3rd ave. there is a car parked between both lanes of traffic, and a man with a bicycle upside down. it all makes sense. he was hit in front of my house. i ask if he is alright, if he need any help, he says no but now his handle bars are messed up. so i twist them back into place for him, he asks me for a dollar, to which i show him all i have is a crumpled receipt. i receive a god bless, and he rides away muttering about bad drivers. exciting events at(or rather in front of) the house off third.

alone

2009-11-28T22:50:00.003-07:00

the days grow longer. clouds gather sometimes, and the wind blows. faces are everywhere, each one of them cares, yet none have cured the pain which eats away at our hearts. routines are all that seem to be evident. the only familiarity is the understanding that you are alone.

maybe it's depression. maybe it's only seasonal. maybe it really is life circumstances, ironic they always seem to fall one upon the other to compile this great mass which weighs heavily upon my chest.

almost once a year i feel that i experience what so many others feel throughout life. i've determined it must be one of the most common feelings amongst living beings today. this of course is the feeling of alone. separation. isolation.

this could be rational for how we live our lives. or maybe we have just become more desperate for human contact. for anyone to listen. we will almost go to near death extents just for someone to see us. to pay attention. to notice. we have so many internet tools to make this possible, take twitter for instance. i have a friend on twitter who i sometimes get tired of reading home much crap they post, as if someone really wants to know or cares about what they think all day. sure it's fun to post and tell miscellaneous people all across the world what you're doing or what you thought about such and such, but is this not just another filler to make us believe that someone somewhere cares? there are millions of examples, but yet does it really mean we are understood? and if we were truly understood, would we no longer feel alone? or would our definition and understanding of alone simply change and become more complex. constantly evolving to where no simple response can break the complexity of what it is to feel alone? because sometimes maybe it feels nice to believe that no one understands. then we might be unique, original, or important due to this lack of relation which is really nothing more than feeling alone.

alone is interesting in that no matter how much we mess everything up, no matter how great we have done, there is always a place of comfort in knowing there is no comfort. or at least we can block any such comfort. we can toss away everything we thought we wanted for whatever reason, and wander the streets alone. but still there is the pain. standing amidst so many people, none of whom really know you (or at least this is what you have convinced yourself), surrounded yet alone. feeling more alone than ever. there is such defeat yet so much comfort in feeling alone.

another morning short

2009-11-25T07:28:00.003-07:00

so i'm sitting here on my bed waiting to head out to work since i don't have to be in until 8 today, so lets see if i can write anything decent in ten minutes.

as many of you know, i recently purchased a house. it's a great house. however it needs a bit of work. this is what seems to happen when you purchase a hundred and twenty three year old house that's previous owners abused greatly. but i have discovered a great deal about the house, and have had a lot of questions about it's history in the mean time. who was the house built for? clearly it was for a larger family back at the turn of the century (roughly). but who were they? what did they do? and with that, what did most people do at that time here in denver? miners and railroad workers seemed to be the primary residents of the great state i call home. did the builders of my house fall into these categories? what was life like for them? what problems did they face? did they wrestle with the idea of existing in a world where they were uncertain of what they desired? or was life much simpler, and each individual was simply a piece to a puzzle? and further, do we actually fit into that same puzzle, only that we have made the puzzle much more complex in our heads due to our restlessness of of our belief in how the world operates around us?

one of these days i'll have to make it down to the library and look up the old public records and learn about these people who built my house on third and broadway. at that point i'll probably share the information so you to can have the answers to all these questions and more; since i know all of you think in the same manner i do and are just dying to know...

with that it is time to go. off to work another day.

a short thought

2009-11-24T08:12:00.002-07:00

when did it become a problem to be a nice guy? i have come to realize this isn't really accepted well. not that i am the ultimate nice guy, because i'm not, but i have found that in various situations i need to be more aware of things. let's say there is a female involved, and i, trying to be who i am, hold a friendly conversation in which i am genuinely interested in this individuals well being and thus desire to hear their story. well, this backfires as i soon find out they were taking it as i am interested in them in a manner which i had not intended. there was nothing out of the ordinary in how i treated them, in fact i convince myself that if they saw me interacting the same way with others they would soon see that it is just the character i like to portray, a friendly caring individual.

this backfired many years ago when i decided it would be a brilliant idea to kiss all of my friends on the cheek. this did not go over so well for one girl who took it as i liked her, and upon her seeing me give another individual a kiss on the cheek she became very upset with me because in her mind i was showing interest in another. that is when i decided i had to stop the kiss on the cheek bit. it was like communism, good in theory...

on a different level, not nearly as interesting to discuss, when you interact with members of the same sex in a friendly caring manner it does not always go over very well either. i have seen it many times become a reason for questioning ones motives, as if we don't trust this person at all. or maybe they are trying to make up for something they have done and we are yet to discover, or even worse they are prepping us for what is about to come. those sneaky bastards, trying to pull the wool over our eyes... can't let that happen.

it is ridiculous. why is it so hard to believe and accept that some people really just want to be nice people. i may not have been this way years ago, but somewhere along the line i decided i like being nice; well, most of the time. at least i don't really like playing the role of the jerk, because i know what it's like to think of another as a jerk, and there isn't much nice to say other than they are jerks (i don't need anything except this ashtray, and the paddle game).

so here is to jerks. and nice people. and people who can't seem to believe there are no ulterior motives.

monday morning

2009-11-16T08:58:00.002-07:00

it's not that today is really anything out of the ordinary. no special occasion, nothing major on my mind. but it is the conclusion of the past week and a starting point for this new venture.

over the past week i have seen sides of many friend that have been unusual for many of their characters. i've seen grief stricken friends who do not know how to express this. i've seen frustrated individuals who are debating if they will take a step to move from where they are. i've seen the shyness of some be pushed aside in presence of opportunity. and i have seen many who have regret what they have or have not done in life. everyone is very colorful, and each situation has a different story.

recently i had an encounter with a friend who feels the need to take the world upon their shoulders and feels as though they will let others down if they are not the strong one. there have been many reasons to be overwhelmed with grief, but yet we have to hold firm because not to is a dreadful thing. especially when our whole life and world view justification seems as though it will be ruined if we do not stand firm. and sometimes really what is needed is the collapse of what we have formerly believed was so crucial, and to simply take life as what it is, a great unknown. while we are busy disillusioning ourselves with minor issues, the real problem is our fear to face the reality that we have no control over anything other than our interactions with the world (although this is even debatable).

i'm pretty sure that if everyone was simply honest and accepting of one another's burdens that just maybe we could make this world a little more manageable to live in. so maybe this monday morning we shall all start to engage with the worlds around us in a bit different of a manner. leave our perceived differences and preconceived notions somewhere else, because they have done nothing for our benefit to this point, and see what new places we may discover.

returning to life

2009-11-15T14:41:00.002-07:00

i've determined i'm not very consistent in some things. my life is an interesting picture, which is almost always changing, but yet very much consistent the entire time at the end of the day. if you are a reader of the words i write maybe you already know this. may it be my over confidence that this time i'll actually have the time to write something new, or in the consistence of subjects in which i am always drawn back to, and even my thought pattern and belief of how things all fit together somehow.

today i am sitting in my room in what will soon be my former home. there is 12" of snow on the ground outside. i have not done anything with my day other than put on a pair of sweat pants, t-shirt, watch the bronco's lose, and search craigslist for various items for my new house. it is in this that i have realized i am exactly where i was a year ago. i thought of this earlier this week, but it seems more evident today. the holiday season is just around the corner. the girl i was dating has broken up with me. consequentially my life plans have changed a bit. this year instead of planning on moving and buying a ring, i bought a house with my money. music has hit a slow point. but i sat down yesterday and began to write again. i have planned for my dear friend to come visit at new years. my room is still a mess. i still see the same people, who still suggest the same things to me, and who still invite me out because they care for me and my messy life. while some events are different, i am very much in the same place. and it makes me wonder if i will ever leave this place? will i ever have time to live the life i really want? am i always going to sit on this idea that i would rather play music and talk about life with people than anything else, but yet stay where i am because i have a safe place in my work (relatively) and have begun enjoying it and learning skills to help with this new project that is my house. i own a house. that is ridiculous in itself. i am only 26, and i own a bigger house than most people i know through their late 30's. not to mention it is in one of the coolest parts of denver in my opinion. (this is a great run on paragraph by the way). will this be another long winter? will i always wrestle with seasonal depression? do i need to speak up more about what i want in life? will i always be the friend with a crazy life? am i the friend with all of the relational drama? will that ever end? maybe, when i come around to dating another, she will live in the same state as i for once. will my past always resurface at what seem to be ironic points? what will become of my faith? i have a degree in which i am uncertain of where i fully stand. i know this is a product of where i am, being that i am mid 20's and searching for life and what to do with it (everything i am rambling about), but does it ever really change? or do we make a decision to change to a solid belief in something because we grow weak from the free floating uncertainty that is what life seems to be in this day in age?

i hope that someday i will have a peace about everything, and i will look back on it and write the tales of my story, as crazy as it may be. i am honored to have a life to live, and the community around me has been amazing to be a part of. i'm thankful for time to reflect, even just briefly, upon where i've been and how i am still here despite the weathering storms. i hope i will continue to stay where i am (within some reason) and that i will once again find excitement about today and tomorrow.

belief

2009-11-11T17:08:00.001-07:00

It’s odd to think about all of the years in which we live our lives with no real consideration of why we do what we do. From such a young age we generally just follow suit with the standards of where we grow. This is understandable of course; truthfully there isn’t much else that could occur until the individual is conscious to determine if they will live their lives in a similar track in which they have for their previous years or begin to find a new path. I can’t fully say when this happened for me, but I can say it began many years ago. However, there are others who may never confront this and will continue to live how they were taught. There is nothing wrong with this, it is just a choice one makes in the belief that the world they know is the best it can be, or that there is more to be living for in some other direction.

Recently I was speaking with a friend about his children and how he has chosen to raise them. His daughter is being read the bible nightly because this is the tradition of his family; however, he personally has moved away from his beliefs in Christianity. What I found more interesting was how he mentioned that not only his parents but also his wife would consider themselves Christians. This seemed in my understanding as a possibility for struggles due to the differing view points, especially knowing of his parents and their very evangelical belief. But that is a separate discussion all together, so back to my original though… My friend mentioned that each night him or his wife read the bible to their daughter. He followed this with the explanation that they don’t read the Qur’an because that is not the culture in which we live, and thus they read what is customary, especially based upon the way they both had grown. The next point shared was that he has the discussion with his daughter about how she doesn’t have to believe these stories just because someone says so, and that she does not need to believe what mommy and daddy believe either. She is her own person and she may decide for herself what she believes. Granted she is only 4 years old. Something he did not mention is whether or not he will do the same with his son. This is a very interesting approach, especially coming from a man whose parents did not allow the same. Further, I am curious as to what his belief today might be if his parents had chosen a different method raising him, or given him the ability to choose at a young age.

It seems that everyone I’ve been in conversations with lately has some story in similar veins to this. Generally I’ve found one of three options; an individuals family was religious of some assortment and the individual believes that this is the best path and stick close to the principles from their youth; the family was religious and there is an outright rejection (generally based upon some event, which may have involved feeling shame or exclusion of some assortment and leaving due to these events; this would also include individuals who don’t straight reject their families beliefs but rather sit in question without the commitment of a “belief”); and finally those who have grown up with no real religious or moral guiding base point and have since continued to live their life in a very similar manner. Now I feel I must clarify a bit here due to the term ‘religious’ which may sound a bit odd, by religious in this case I am referring to any belief system based on the understanding that there is truth in one or many things; a structure of some sort. This includes everything from Judaism, Christianity, Atheism, Islamism, Buddhism, or any off shoot as well as smaller belief groups (this could also include such beliefs as a co-worker of mines who Sunday is a holy day if the Bronco’s are playing, it is in the same level as a common Christian’s belief of attending church).

So I suppose what really perplexes me is how and why we end up choosing what we do? Do we really believe that what we choose is more right than another? Did we come to these beliefs by the influential sway of our community, a figurehead, families, or are we really so independent that we actually choose without any outside influence (which in my opinion isn’t even possible)? We know that we are influenced by a great number of things; this is evidenced in everything from common trends to choices we make in regards to what we eat. But how does that all blend together to form a belief system, are we fully aware of all of the factors, and with that knowledge can we have any control in the end result? Or are we robotic shells, doomed to follow the path of a part in a machine in which we have no choice in how we ultimately end?

Life is a complicated thing.

november

2009-11-02T09:16:00.002-07:00

so it seems to me that from time to time i realize i started this blog and i should write. and it's funny because every time i come back to it i feel as if this may well be my triumphant return, and that i will continue to write all of the horrible and pleasant thoughts i seem to find myself thinking for all to read. this of course holds no regard for the past and where i have been, nor the future and where i might be after the next long period between my decision to write again. all of this leads me to where i am currently, the present. i am currently sitting in a booth at the panera bread which i have frequently visited over the past three months of my life to eat a bagel and drink my earl grey tea(not the best earl grey i've had, but it's been suffice).

now where to begin... life has been a very odd thing for me since i last checked in here. it would seem that i have grown up a bit as some would suggest, this being accredited to my purchasing of my first house. it is a lovely two story victorian in the baker neighborhood here in denver. just down the way from a few local venues i frequent myself at, which includes last night(i will get in to this in a bit). other big things in my life have included the completion(minus minor touch ups)of the restaurant i began building in august. in fact, today is the official opening day. other news, i recently had what i believe to be an encounter with the swine flu. that was fun. the following weekend i traveled to durango for a wonderful weekend vacation with one of the greatest families i have ever known. also around this time i had the opportunity to spend time with a dear friend whom i had not seen in over a year. and for halloween i dressed as one of my personal heroes, elwood blues. that's a moderate sum of things that have happened in october. there have been many other events i suppose, but they were not strong enough candidates for my mind to recall at the moment, and thus not added to the list.

on to november. this is a month of newness i suppose. it would seem that my life has had quick changes and that i am starting fresh in many regards. i am hoping to move into my new house in the next few weeks, hoping to start playing music again after my brief hiatus, i will be starting a new job site in the next month, and i'm sure there is some other things which will be new of which i can not recall currently that might have impact as well. and all the while i would like to write about some experiences and thoughts. later today i hope to write a bit on belief, and maybe tomorrow i'll write about my house. those are some decent goals to set i suppose. well, on with the rest of the day. here is to a triumphant return, or to another point where i have checked in briefly. hooray. have a lovely afternoon.

morning routine

2009-06-16T09:15:00.004-06:00

every day i come into work, i turn my computer on and generally while waiting i open a game of spider solitaire. this is usually because i have a lot of programs to load upon arrival and they take some time to load. but the thing is, i never finish my game. i get a short ways in to the game and then when my programs open i get my work done and get out into the field. i have to be honest in saying more recently i've also looked at house business along with everything else. either way, my games are never finished. just an observation i have made of my standard day. thrilling i know.

houses

2009-06-08T08:57:00.003-06:00

it's really depressing to me that as i have been searching for a house these past months that i have come to realize more each day that my city has changed. outsiders have changed the market and have determined value and worth beyond any reasonable conclusion. houses that only ten years ago would have been worth under $100,000 are not somewhere close to $400,000. there are more houses around city park which the owners are seeking more money than the houses are worth and thus in this area there are more houses which have been on the market for one year or longer.

these prices have brought me to the realization that i am not sure i will ever be able to afford to live in a my "dream house" of sorts. living in an area which i have grown up admiring is something that very well may never happen.

i want to know who determines worth and value? who is supreme enough to say what should cost what, and who should or should not be able to live in places. i understand that some people make more money and thus can afford elaborate homes, cherry hills is a good example. but that is all together different from this situation because cherry hills was never an aim of mine. however there is this awesome little farm house just off the highline close to where colorado blvd starts that i could handle... but really, it would take me near a lifetime to be able to afford to live in the neighborhood in which i have spent the majority of my life in, and we live in a standard middleclass neighborhood.

maybe i’ll just leave colorado all together.

Love

2009-03-26T18:19:00.005-06:00

I started this a few days ago, so the time frame reference isn't exactly perfect because last night I was actually sitting on a plane flying back to Denver. And yet again I'm not going to expand any more because I've lost my train of thought, but none the less here are some thoughts I started.

Yesterday evening I spent a great deal of time with some individuals whom I would consider to be very close and whom I love dearly. We spent our evenings reminiscing over various events, which have left us in interesting places over the past year. No tears were brought forth, however it would not have been uncommon based upon how things have been going lately. My time spread me from Hollywood all the way down to Newport Beach. I had only planned on one of those, but at the end of the evening both were welcomed. I suppose part of that comes due to the fact that my time here is very limited and I want to make sure I see everyone I can and share my heart with those whom I have not had the chance in some time outside of the possibilities of e-mail, phone calls, or otherwise.

But in one conversation in particular things started to stand out to me a bit different last night, and with the combination of a Daniel Craig song I’ve been listening to this morning from his accidents e.p., I’ve brought myself to writing again. Many of you know where I have been over the past year, and it has been a difficult place. One in which I know I could not have weathered by myself, and thus I am so grateful for all of you who have been a support in some way. Nonetheless, my point brings me to this, love is an encounter in which it is not terribly hard to give, but is possibly only of value when it is accepted. Last week I had a situation in which I used an analogy with a close friend which I used a dollar bill and my giving it to her as an easy example, and yes I did not come up with this myself however I feel it is a good example thus I used it. I gave here the dollar by holding it in front of her and saying, “I want you to have this.” Slightly confused she took the dollar, and held it in her hand. I asked then whose dollar it was; her response was that it was mine. I happily disagreed, because I had given the dollar to her, and it became hers the moment she accepted it. There was nothing else behind the dollar, nothing she needed to have done in order to get the dollar, just accept. Sometimes I have found that is the hardest part of things in life. Specifically within the area of love, it can be freely given, and meant to the fullest extent, but it is only as good as the person accepting is willing to take.

I went to church on Sunday to a church I have never been before. The pastor was very long winded, and drifted all over the place. However, in his meandering he touched on one point of love (not really having anything to do with his initial point of whether or not we were going to be followers (disciples) of Christ or just the crowd; he specifically was referencing the first verse in the fifth book of Matthew), but he brought up his marriage. He said relationships can not truly be a 50/50 situation where both give 50% creating 100%. Now his point on this topic wandered a bit to, but the thoughts it triggered in me could be relevant. A relationship, or love I suppose, is a give and take situation. It is not a format and is not simple enough to expect that just by being present that a logical balance of both parties giving 50% to equate to a full percentage and a complete relationship. Rather, somedays there is more giving than taking, and others more taking than giving. For a long time I have always felt stronger, or found it easier, to be found on the giving side more frequently. It feels, or has felt possibly, to be a shameful thing to be on the taking side. Because taking equates to selfishness in theory.

Last night as I sat on a jetty somewhere around 47th my dear friend brought up the concept that in a relational aspect he has noticed; girls will be more attracted to him (or guys in general) when the guy ignores them. Specifically, he noted that if they feel the sense that the guy would do anything for them it’s either too good to be true, or that it’s too easy and feels wrong to accept something such as that. And thus while he can live his life fully willing to give he can be overlooked so easily because our culture has built up some belief that this is wrong. Now, not that my point is entirely relational based on the terms of boyfriend/girlfriend, but this explanation seemed to fit with where I was thinking. Also, to finish our conversation we both were in agreement that this interaction seems ridiculous to both of us, and we both feel that relationships would be so much easier without the interference of petty games, which are all based around our feelings of inadequacy.

the breakdown of communication

2009-03-19T13:54:00.002-06:00

I really don't have much time to write but this subject has been on my mind quite a bit today. I believe that one of the largest problems I have found in my life and many others whom I have had close interactions with is the issue of communication. It seems to me that we all have the ability for good clear communication, however we all seem to miss things here and there which ultimately cause quite the ordeal of issues.

Recently in my life I have had a situation which I truly believe would have ended much different if the other individual and I had better communicated. Meaning that I understood what they wanted and needed, and they understood the same of me. I think this might just be one of the keys to life... If others don't know or can't understand what is going on inside of our hearts and heads then of course things will eventually break down. This applies to so many different aspects of life as well, from a simple relational level, to interpersonal, and even occupational.

I was having a conversation today with a friend which triggered the thoughts in me of what is normal for me is not necessarily normal for someone else, and thus it is a great misdeed of ours to assume or hold everyone to the exact same standard without explanation or questions. Because while it may not make sense to me why someone is interacting with me a certain way, but if I talk to them there is a good chance that they can't understand why I am not tracking the same way. very frequently in my life over the past few weeks I have had multiple individuals talk to me in reference to various subjects where they have spoken with great passion and feeling towards how they "know" things are a certain way. And thus for them to interpret the situation in any other manner than what they already have is absurd, because they already know the answer according to their logic. Which of course to them is true, because it is connected to what they believe. Belief is a situation in which we have placed our value in something or someone to the extent where we don't need to necessarily have to question any longer because we have made it a part of how we live. And frankly put, if we didn't feel certain about our beliefs, we would most likely find a new one. Thus in a situation in which we have already determined the outcome due to our belief, whether correct or not (despite the fact that I personally feel just about everything in life is relative...), we have done nothing but close the door in some regards to communication.

Now I'm not sure if the correct response is tolerance, as many have argued that tolerance is a form of losing ones beliefs and thus opening Pandora's box by the universalism of saying do whatever makes one happy. Not that this is really all that different from how most individuals live already, but rather it would break down their believe that the way they live is far superior to others. So that is a separate issue all together. But, regardless of what one's belief is, without a good base of communication failure is almost inevitable.

So today I have decided to continue in my journey in which I hope deeply I will communicate in the best possible manner I can with everyone in my life. To me this equates to not simply a transparency of who I am and what I believe, but also the vulnerability enough to open who I am to each individual who values me enough to either seek that out from me or those who are simply willing to share this time and space with me. If you are someone I have entrusted please know that you are deeply values and I hope that our communication continues to grow. Blessings.

Karma

2009-03-17T09:00:00.003-06:00

I've determined I think karma is a terrible idea. This has been another one of my long standing but recently reflected upon beliefs which is now being fleshed out in writing.

Sunday evening on my way home from a good friends house there was a car stopped in the middle of Holly, just North of Arapahoe Rd. So naturally I stop next to this car and ask the driver if they need help. She responds back in a confused yes, to which I tell her to pull off at the street which is 30 ft. ahead. She informs me her tire is flat, so I respond that is not a problem, pull off and I'll change it for her. Upon pulling over I get all of the tools necessary and begin to change her tire. She tells me this is huge karma points for me. Now this is not the first time someone has said this to me over the past year or so, so I politely respond with a, "I'm not really sure I believe in karma." To which she says, "Well do unto others then I guess". While I think this is also a good moral thing, I'm not sure that was my motivation either.

See, I think my problem with karma is that fundamentally it's a self serve process. I mean, I guess if your only motivation in life to be a better individual or to care about someone other than self is based upon what you will receive in return, I suppose this is better than being completely self involved and indifferent to others, but I'm not sure by how much. Is it wrong to be a good person or care about others just for the sake of you feel that is important? That maybe it is important to you as an individual to help others in need just because. Why must there always be some other motivation for what we do? I mean it's easy to love and help those who are close to us or we care about, but what about everyone else? I know that if I did not pull over to help change this girls tire that someone else probably would eventually, but thats not the point. Is there any value in aiming to leave a positive impact upon the community (or world even)that we live in for nothing more than to hope that it will influence others in that community to do something of the same? I know that I believe perfect scenarios can not exist because of the corruption of man, and thus easy examples for failures in attempts for greatness can be found in everything from politics, to education, to business and to even some relationships. But really what would be so hard of stopping thinking about ourselves and giving out of the belief that if we can get enough people on board with no self motivated rewards other than making the world they live in a better place that a positive impact can truly be left? And it's not motivated out of bitterness of what was formerly existent, thus no political movement can encompass anything close to this, nor can any institution. Because agendas will always ruin the true deeds of goodness. It is so much more simple than any group can portray. It is at the level of individual hearts not building up in hopes of what is better to come for them. Thus, karma is a terrible idea.

Do something individual, and interact with the world with the goal of nothing more than being of benefit to your surroundings. Kill the theory of motivation for self benefit, and live life free of the chains which we have created. Come out from under those institutions, which will crumble without the loyal base, so that our motivation can be pure and the outcome might actually be of benefit to someone, and not just self.

To finish on the note of the girl whose tire I changed. While changing her tire I discovered she had probably had too much to drink this evening, and was already lost as her goal was to make it to Thornton; and she had traveled the opposite direction from where she started to get there. So I changed her tire, and a friend of hers showed up, he helped be putting the jack back in the car after I changed the tire... and was there with a supportive hug for her. She thanked me again, he thanked me. She gave me a hug, and on I went to return home to rest for the next day of work.

loneliness

2009-03-17T08:56:00.002-06:00

"How to fight loneliness, smile all the time."

(2/25) I've seemed to come back to this idea of loneliness quite a bit lately. I am lonely. This isn't a bad thing, it's completely natural, at least based upon how I believe we have been made and interact with the world around us.

Over the past few weeks I've been thinking about my life and where I am at with where I would like to go and things I would like to do. I've been fairly successful in enjoying my time over the past few months. Some days have been better than others, and I have had my share of heartache along the way, but in general life has been just that, life. I'm afraid however that a large number of individual would not be able to say the same confidently. I have met many whom live their lives as if the only thing that matters temporally is to seek happiness, even despite not knowing what truly brings happiness. But if they keep searching and filling maybe something will stick.

While I am uncertain this is the correct way to go about things, at the same time I have had to give some credit to those who are more or less seeking self medication, despite being unaware of this at points. We seem to have an innate desire to live in connection with others around us, with the world around us, and to feel we have a purpose in the midst of all of this. I was recently speaking with a friend about why there is a strong connection of individuals within the 20-30 somethings range, and while I disagreed to some extent I understand and agree with his main points that we all hang around and relate to everything because we are all in the same place of seeking purpose in the world. We have been filed out of our required schooling and now must find our place in the world in which we will hopefully spend the next 30 years or so. So a response of seeking community is completely natural.

I can't say that I am necessarily seeking my purpose in life. While I suppose some could view my life as such, I do believe that I have come to a place a bit more at peace with just being here. However loneliness is still very present.

(3/4) So now, I'm picking up where I left off over a week ago writing this. Much has happened since, everything from the night of starting writing being contacted by someone whom I have not heard from in months and our last conversation was her threatening me with a restraining order. This is another story in and of itself... But somewhere amidst all of the circumstances in my life and the community in which I am surrounded there is still a sense of loneliness. While today taht feeling may strike different than yesterday, or maybe I feel more or less hope from past moments, there is still a longing in my heart for the closeness of others. To be known. To have significance. Ironically while I sit and write this with my music on shuffle the song Everybody's Getting Down by the Incredible Moses Leroy begins to play me with the main catch stating "if everybody knows me then why am I lonely?". Funny how that happens.

(3/17) Well, I've spread this writing out too many weeks to continue on one coherent thought due to the changes in the weather, so I will leave it here. But if nothing more, if any who read this have a similar sense of loneliness in any regard, know that you are not alone. I have found one of the most comforting things in loneliness is to know that I am not the only one who is feeling this way. Even if it really doesn't change the fact that the loneliness still exists, the common bond of hearing others communicate about it is a comfort.

saturday morning

2009-01-24T09:26:00.002-07:00

wow, it has really been quite some time since my last post. much has happened in my life since my last writing. consequentially many big life decisions have changed, and to be honest i'm kind of thankful. it's a complicated story, and for multiple reasons i would rather not give any more fuel to a fire which is kept burning in a chaotic manner; thus if you're interested in what happened i would be more than happy to share the story over a cup of tea. with that said, i want to thank anyone who has been involved in my life over the past three years. they were interesting if nothing else. but today i can sit and confidently say that a huge burden and weight was lifted off of me, and thus i can live my life in the manner it was meant to be. at peace with my surroundings, in relationships with people, loving the world in which i live, questioning the powers that be, playing the music that i love, being grateful for what i have.

i have been very busy for the past two month. work never stops. and music is about to pick back up with the triumphant return of our drummer from the jungles of the amazon. there are so many great things on the horizon. i think in the next few months i will be traveling a bit. there is a very good possibility i will be at sxsw this year, followed by a brief stint in los angeles. and then early summer tristan and i will be on tour again. followed by a week or so in san diego leading a group of high school kids for a mission trip (i know mission trip to san diego, must be rough...). there is still the possibility of moving in there at some point to. however, texas is 98% off the list (only a fool is %100). so with all of that said, i look forward to writing again a bit more, and look forward to hearing your input and responses. i hope you are all well, where ever you may be in the world. thank you all for all of your prayers and support over the past months of my life, it has been greatly appreciated.

It's all gonna break.

2008-11-18T14:59:00.004-07:00

This is actually my second blog of the day, however you wouldn't know it because I have since deleted the former due to a turn of events in the day. The former was a sharing of a life update and some feelings I had toward the future, and the possibility of moving to another state in following after some things I felt encouraged to in my life. Since this morning much has changed. This is primarily due to a phone conversation shorter than an hour in length. In this conversation it was said to me that if an individual truly wants something they need to step up and go after it. And for the past few months more than ever before I had felt that I had been doing just that. Yet the events that culminated today while I sat on the floor of a closet in the master bedroom of what is to eventually be a home for retired seniors, I was let go of. This came with a whirlwind of emotions due to the closeness of hearts in the months preceding. Yet there is still the peace of what is to come in some ways. And the very thing I had prayed for for so many months still sits inside of me with the feeling of reassurance. To which extent I do not understand. This really leaves an already painful situation with a further blow to which I am uncertain of what to do with next.

It was suggested to me today that if all of my prayers have truly led to reinforcement, that possibly I am in a state where waiting is what I am really supposed to do. This seems odd to me for multiple reasons, primarily due to my feelings that while God does have some sort of a plan to which I can not see nor fully understand, generally I have felt that rather than sitting and waiting on Him to move things we are given opportunities to engage in, which is how his plan fits into the picture. Now I am not foolish enough to claim that I know God's plan is in this or any other situation, but I can say with certainty that over that past months there has been a consistency in emotional reaffirming every time I have asked for something. The most recent of significance was this past Friday. And thus today I am overwhelmed with a sense of sadness.

So now for the second time today I am asking for prayers. But instead of asking for direction and a job in Texas, I ask for prayers of hope and peace. For healing. And for my ability to wait on what is to come.

crap day

2008-11-04T10:51:00.003-07:00

I've been finding myself in interesting situations lately. But today is a particularly interesting one. So it's not even lunch yet and already today my schedule has been packed with stuff to do (except now of course since I'm writing this). the true stink of today started about 9:20 when I decided I needed a break and thus I was going to get some food. So I drive over to Goodtimes thinking a tiny burger sounded nice. But I was in a hurry so I had to get there and back relatively quick because I had a safety meeting I had to attend at 9:30. So I arrive at said Goodtimes, and it seems that it might not be open yet, so I drive around the building a little just to see if they had posted hours, but there was nothing posted. However I noticed someone moving inside, so I backed up a little. At this point in time I receive a call on the radio mentioning emergency at work and I need to call an ambulance. So as receiving this message I loose track of the fact I am backing up and end up bumping the building. With my radio still beeping and my boss telling me I need to take care of the situation I decided to leave the scene for the emergency at the site.

I arrive back to the site and encounter said emergency. A delivery guy while unloading his truck had a bit of an unfortunate incident and ultimately broke his hip, but seemed as if he was going to have a heart attack. So I am now on the phone with the paramedic dispatcher trying to explain the situation and the directions for the paramedics to get on to my job site. I have to wait for them, and so in the mean time I call Goodtimes to inform the manager of the situation and that I will return in the next 20-30 minutes. This is all happening while sirens are blaring (this was probably to my benefit in assisting my conversation with the manager about the real emergency I had left for). So then I wait for the paramedics to do there thing, and have a short conversation with the head of the group before they leave my site in pursuit of the nearest hospital.

I now return to Goodtimes, feeling like a complete idiot for backing into their building, but knowing it is the right thing to do to return and fix what I screwed up. So I make it there and meet with John the general manager (very nice fellow). He assures me it's not a big deal and that he is impressed that I called and came back. He understood my reasoning for leaving and probably treated me much better than necessary. The conclusion to which is that he was going to get some price quotes and call me before ever contact my insurance, and that no police would need to be involved. He wanted to make sure that if it was less than my deductible (which judging by my "professional" construction opinion is substantially lower) that I didn't get dinged by my insurance and that I could just pay out of pocket. So while still less than ideal that I screwed up and work has to be done, at least it's not looking terrible.

So then I return back to the site feeling stupid and irresponsible. I haven't ever done anything like this before, and I swear if it wasn't for the bad timing of it all I wouldn't be in the situation I am currently. Beyond which I still have to turn my mail in ballot to the county clerks office before 7pm, meet with my insurance agent at 4pm (completely unrelated to todays incidents, this was actually a postponed meeting from yesterday), run home and clean up, meet up with a coworker who is taking me along with him and his two sons (around my age) to sit in the company box at the pepsi center to see metallica... I know there is more on my plate as well, I just can't recall everything off the top of my head currently. Not to mention the emotional state of life currently. And to top things off even more I just had a delivery truck pull onto my site and hit a parked skidster as he carelessly turned the corner. It's not even lunch time yet. I mean of course things could be much worse, but so far it has been a long start to the morning...

Tropical Fish

2008-10-03T12:21:00.003-06:00

So this morning I had to venture over to the doctor's office due to various issues I have been having with my stomach. Which the overall outcome is they are running blood tests and it could be anything from a parasite to prostate cancer, but they're pretty sure it's not cancer either that or I am a really rare young case of it which then I am a scientific phenomenon. Well not really, but that's a good way to lighten the mood. So they drew blood and now my left arm hurts.

But while sitting in the waiting room I noticed something. Why is it that every doctor I think I have ever been to, minus the school doctor, have tropical fish in their waiting room? My doctor today wasn't fortunate enough to have a fish tank, so instead he had pictures of tropical fish (I think this may be due to local building codes which prevent the possession of fish within the building, or maybe he doesn't want to have to clean the tank). Do tropical fish have some sort of mystical power that keeps the ill or otherwise just waiting to be seen patients in good spirits? Do most people like tropical fish? I mean, I'm not really sure what is not to like about colorful fish. And as a good friend pointed out after purchasing many fish himself, they can be entertaining due to each one having their own personalities. This is comical in thinking that fish have personalities, but I learned to accept this concept upon observing White Power Bill and how he interacted with all of the other fish in his tank. And he did live up to his name, despite not being the biggest fish in the tank, he most definitely liked to fluff his feathers and show off his clout.

Either way, the tropical fish, or rather pictures of fish, did me no good today. No conclusions, hurt arm, missing blood and I have to come back on Monday. Where I will observe the same pictures of Lion Fish, Clown Fish and the Purple Fan Coral, and then maybe find out I have a parasite or something worse. It could be better I suppose, maybe I've just been stressed and that's my problem. I don't know what the solution to that might be, but maybe I'll write about it for all of the internet to hear about.

over again

2008-09-25T00:41:00.004-06:00

Have you ever cared for someone so much it has at times made you a nervous wreck? Despite prayers upon prayers the feelings are still there. Sometimes there is a peace, and it is a wonderful peace. One that everything is going to work fine. And it will. But here and now things look so chaotic. And this one instance has infiltrated it's way into every aspect of life to where any daily routine can be encountered with the sudden flow of tears. I have not cried much over the past three years, but within the past three months I have made up more ground than most will do in a lifetime I believe. Everything in me is just short of screaming how much I wish of things. Not in a violent manner, but in a fairly calm modus.

Human interactions are so complicated due to a great number of things; but the ultimate complicator is the one thing I have dedicated my life to first and foremost, which is my faith. And so in the midst I cling to faith. Asking for a answer. Hoping for a calm heart. Hoping for a change of heart. Just hoping that the consistent beating won't stop and I will live another day. Even if what to come is another sleepless night.

24 turned 25

2008-09-05T17:15:00.002-06:00

Another year has passed. It seems with the passing time that I have only begun to realize how quickly life passes. It was only such a short time ago I was in school and living in Los Angeles. But yet this was over a year ago. I hope that in this coming year there will be more hope and encouragement. I am not sure where I will be in the next year, but I trust that where ever I may be I will have something to reflect upon and be grateful for. Thank you for being a part of my life.

andrew

here today

2008-09-04T16:22:00.002-06:00

Yesterday evening a close friend and I spoke about a great many things, and he said something to me that stood out. It was a message that a very wise man had given to him about life.

It doesn't matter where you are, or what you do, but rather who you are amidst it that is what is important.

A very simple thing. But yet there is a great bit of significance in it in that regardless of the circumstances and places I may find myself the only importance is how I react to the situation and interact with it. This wise man went into a bit more detail and probably had a more inspirational tone and overall message but the same message rang true to me where I am today. I have found that if I am more motivated in living my life to the best of my abilities, not by serving myself and trying to do everything I think is best, but rather by living a life that is following after the model that I have found through my faith. I think this has been something I've seen develop in my desires over the last few years, but yet some days I understand it and see it more in my life better than others.

Something in the Wind

2008-08-25T16:07:00.002-06:00

Today as I sit here at work, with a semi peaceful felling despite my raging cough.

Earlier my attention was struck by an unusual sound. This directed my eyes to look out the window of the trailer I currently work in, and I was surprised to see a Dust Devil. I immediately rushed to the door to get a better view since my windows have screens, bars and a grate to protect my little office from intruders. What I then witnessed, for whatever reason, was the most beautiful thing I have seen all day. I can not explain what happened, but somewhere emotionally in that moment I was caught up in awe about this whirlwind that slowly moved through my job site. I was brought to a moment of peace. Previously I wasn't fully at peace, as many thoughts have been racing through my mind all day ranging from my daily wrestling with emotional subjects, the miles of work that I need to complete, the curiosity of what I will do following work today as well as this weekend and into the future, the considering of a new job in a field I am more suited for. But the point was that for a brief moment this afternoon I found some relief from all of the stresses of the world by watching how the natural world works. Sometimes living in a city I forget about these things since we have created so many barriers for the natural world to cross in order to show that it does not abide by the laws of man. Even now while I sit here writing I am in amazement as a thunderstorm has come upon me. The power in each strike of lightning, and the calming rain that follows reminds me that there is more hope than the tiny spectrum that I can see in front of me. It is far too easy for me to become so wrapped up in the happenings of right now and miss the fact that I am alive and have a purpose in this world. And this is despite all of my shortcomings and failures to both myself and those around me.

It is a nice thing to have brought to ones attention that there are so many great things in the world despite all of the mess that we as human beings create. This reminder brings a bit of hope to my days.

Questioning the Validity of a Common Sales Tactic, or A Conversation With My Grandfather.

2008-08-15T10:59:00.003-06:00

So recently I was eating lunch with my grandparents, as I have been doing more frequently now that my place of employment is only a few minutes from their house. And during this weeks visit my grandmother mentions how the corn we were eating was "organic" and grown locally, therefore it was more expensive that the other products despite the fact that it was the only type of corn available for purchase when she went to King Soopers this week. My grandfathers response.

"I'm not sure I understand why the supermarket calls some food organic. In fact I'm not sure I understand what they mean by 'organic food'. As I recall the study things organic is the study of carbon. So what significance is it to call food organic and sell it for more? This is just silly."

Good point Poppy. This is silly.

On a side note related to organic food, I read a report yesterday that conclusively determined that "organic" food is no better or worse for you than regular food. Interesting. So really I could have saves $.50 on the organic bananas I bought on Monday. Stink.

late night decisions

2008-08-14T23:10:00.002-06:00

It's currently late, and about half an hour ago I was tired. It's funny how quickly things change. So now I'm still awake and I've had multiple thoughts running through my head, all of which I think I will write about in the next day or so. So be prepared for a super blast of thoughts over the next 24 hours, assuming I remember them all when I wake. But i wanted to write a quick note about a movie I watched tonight. This is a movie I had seen when I was in high school, and at that point in time I remember thoroughly not enjoying it and walking away feeling like it was stupid. While tonight there were still some of the same feelings I noticed this movie had pretty decent monologues. They all seemed to reflect upon one thing which the general idea was you can't just leave a place, state of mind, emotions or anything and move to a different place and expect things to b different. Human emotions, problems, thoughts etc. follow us more or less where ever we go. There is only one real way to conquer such things, and that is to face them head on. The movie was called "The Beach" and I recall watching it with a handful of church kids in high school; I believe it was a group of girls who had picked the movie due to the current popularity of Leonardo DiCaprio, way to go girls... The following movie as I recall left everyone in the room feeling like two hours could have and should have been spent more wisely, but maybe that was just me. Either way tonight I was watching this movie. And if you are not familiar with the film it's about a character who moves to Thailand in search of something, hopefully paradise, in which to live and escape all of his troubles of the world. Once he finds this island where he believes paradise will be he realizes that it is not what he had hoped, despite temporary moments of feeling wonderful due to his perspective in rejecting anything that did not fulfill his happy state of mind. The characters in the film consequentially are faced with a dilemma when one member of the group becomes very ill due to injury and will die if not given the proper medical attention. Well, no one wanted to help because this was such a downer, so they end up moving this injured fellow outside of their camp culture to die away from them so to get back to the carefree life of living in paradise. While on other fronts our main character realizes his insecurities, while easily glossed over by acting a bit more confident towards others, still exist; as well as his worldly desires, specifically his desire for a flirtatious girl. I believe some character even states something to the extent of, 'You didn't really think that you would stop feeling these emotions just by leaving the mainland culture?'

So this is the thought I have been dwelling on over the past 30+ minutes now that has kept me awake. We can run or leave things all we want, but will we really be escaping the inner darkness of who we are or don't want to be? I think our culture is in a trend at the moment believing that drastic and sometimes silly life changes will free us from some believed scum that we live in and make everything better. I know I will touch on this tomorrow when/if I write but the first example that comes to my mind was struck recently in a conversation with my cousin-in-law about the latest trend that so many people have jumped on of being glutton intolerant, aka allergic to wheat. And by somehow avoiding any wheat intake they will magically feel all better inside, and things such as having gas will stop occurring. This is not to say there is no one out there truly allergic to wheat, I am not ignorant enough to state that to be true, but I will say it seems like it's just another trend in most cases trying to lead people to believe they are proactive about how they live. Once again, this is not necessarily bad, because sure it makes people feel good about themselves. But when does the situation turn from being small things, as ridiculous as they may be, to big things where people are blatantly just avoiding coping with the hardships of life? And what purpose is it to make drastic jumps if we can not or are not willing to recognize that once the trend is gone, we are still with the same issues. In the case of the glutton free people, gas will still exist... assuming that by not eating wheat their gas problem really did disappear. And if it didn't, then we unknowingly ate something with wheat in it and that is the reason for the apparently socially uncomfortable fact that people have gas sometimes. Either way I'm afraid that there will always be some sort of belief that if we can just escape this one thing, if we can just stop eating wheat, if we can just leave behind our baggage we will be able to live happily without ever having to worry about anything ever again. Silly, I know.

Rain

2008-08-11T09:03:00.001-06:00

Recently here in Colorado there has been a lot of rain. Rain to the extent that mass flooding has occurred in various places. this has been something I've viewed as both a positive and a negative thing in multiple ways, the most disappointing of which was the decision that camping in a flash flood is just not going to work and so Buckley and I returned home...Another less than ideal situation regarding the flooding has been at my place of employment. I'm currently working for a construction company which has placed me to work at a ground up retirement community. The project began in March and has since developed very quickly, but currently it's a dirt lot with paved streets. Back to the rain, dirt + rain is not a good combination in this instance. Consequentially, mud everywhere; which has left it's complications. But yet other things the rain has hit has actually made improvements. Say my truck, which I'm not sure when the last time I washed it was, it is now relatively clean, at least on the out side. However, I will add that I did clean out a large majority of the mess Sunday morning. None the less, it's interesting to to me to see how the rain erodes away and washes clean much of what exists when given the right conditions.

There's a lot of rain right now.

To Dance

2008-08-02T08:04:00.006-06:00

Last night as I sat observing various people at some club I have never been to before and I was thinking about individuals lives. The subject wasn't all of the sudden brought into my thought pattern last night however, really I think this has been something I've been thinking about for a while but the way things are illustrated when you are in a crowd of strangers just seems to bring something out in a different light. So as I sit drinking a cool beverage I am watching people dancing. Now dancing in general is a funny thing, and I'm not fully sure why people dance. Maybe everyone has seen the movie Footloose and have since determined that it is our God given right to dance. And those who want to restrict others from dancing are simply uptight legalistic individuals for whatever reason (most likely religious affiliation) have determined dancing is a terrible social interaction. So bad to the point where it is an inexcusable action which should be ban before everyone in the world is dancing and instilling poor values into our young peoples lives. Or maybe people dance because they feel awkward standing around and aren't sure what to do with their arms so they start moving, followed by a little bounce in the knees and next thing you know dance is occurring. Either way, people were dancing last night. And no, they were not ballroom dancing, or any other type of dancing which has a syncopated movement coinciding with music. But rather it was more of a flailing of arms and legs in correspondence with whoever is closest to them, bumping and grinding as some would say.

So there were these people dancing, and I'm looking at them wondering why I am any different? I can tell you why I'm not out there dancing, which is part I feel uncomfortable doing so also because I didn't want to interact with someone I don't know. I have determined I'm a bit shy in situation like this, given the right situation I will be outgoing but I'm much more of a sit back and observe type. But back to those dancing. I look at them and see lives behind the faces, people who worked possibly worked all week such as I did, or maybe they did nothing all week; but for whatever reason they have decided that for this moment in time they will be here. Out on the dancefloor. Listening to whatever song the DJ has decided upon and moving to the beat. Maybe in doing so they will forget about droning on of the workdays that recently passed at a midlevel desk job. Maybe they seek a companion for the evening, or maybe longer, to feel the closeness of someone. To feel loved. Maybe they are sad, and they are literally dancing their blues away. For what ever reason people choose it falls right in the middle of a life they are moving within. A life full of plans. Dreams. Hopes. Realities. Hurt. Every one of them dancing has reasons.

There are so many faces that I will never know, but yet we share the same space. Whether it be dancing in the same place, or sitting in the same room as someone else, every single person I am around is different. Everyone has emotions and logic behind what they are doing, and consequentially choose to live in various manners to engage with what they believe has value. I've had conversations with some people who don't believe that their actions have anything to do with what they believe and how they plan to live their lives. But rather their actions are meaningless sways of the moment that they happen to find themselves in. I'm not sure I buy this idea of how life fits together, a bunch of random moments that just happen because. I'm more of the train of thought that things happen for reasons. There is logic behind pretty much everything. Like for me, I have my logic behind why I was not out there dancing last night, and that is because I don't find any value in it. But rather I have more value in observing those who have chosen a different path and have some value in being out there to dance. And as I previously mentioned, each individual has their own reason as to why. This is where I'm not quite perplexed, but amazed at the values other people have. Regardless of whether or not I share the same values, I am amazed at how each individual copes with the world around them; with how they choose to live their lives, and the consequent interactions that come because of this. And the excuses they will come up with as to why they do what they do if they are ever questioned. People become very uncomfortable when you start asking questions I've determined. Sometimes they even feel threatened. Sometimes it is to the extent that they will lie to cover up the situation. This is another area where I am baffled. Why do people feel the necessity to cover up how they live? It seems that life would be a lot more pleasant if people lived in a manner they were proud of to where they wouldn't feel any necessity to lie and cover up what they do when others may not be around. If one chooses to dance, let them dance, but they should not be ashamed of dancing or pretend as if they were not. They may not be able to give you a better answer than I just wanted to dance, but that does not void them having a reason for dancing. Rather it is because they may not be able to understand why they are doing it, but from a different perspective it all makes sense. Sometimes it's the hardest to understand why you do something while you are the one doing it, because you can only see in the perspective influenced by your own values which while known to some extent by each individual, sometimes are expressed self-consciously and are completely unknown to this person. Life is so complex, and so is dancing.

Explinations. (a starting point)

2008-07-11T09:28:00.000-06:00

It's really a strange thing that I am sitting here writing with intentions to continue writing for a while. I mean I have never been super thrilled with the idea of blogging, maybe it's the lack of ownership or responsibility that is too easily abused by simply writing anything for the audience of whomever may read on the internet as a disguise to hide behind a glowing computer screen. Or maybe I've just never been super keen in the idea of sharing my thoughts with everyone to read aloud and do what they will with them. But somewhere in the midst of trying to sleep the other night I decided that maybe I should start writing. Drop all predispositions towards this format and simply start writing. So with this disclaimer I will begin to write. Thank you for reading.